I've just had a website hit for the words "custard pie splosh" (I'm 9th out of 158 sites on Google - another fine achievement). Aaaah, I thought, what a charming and delightful thing to search for at Christmas time. I was picturing a small child dreaming of clowns and slapstick fun, and trying out a search engine on their shiny new computer for the first time.

That was until I tried it myself and ended up at www.splosh.co.uk. I don't mean to judge a website in the first ten seconds, but you're only allowed to enter if you confirm that "I am over 18 years of age and want to enter a world of custard pie comedy and horny women rubbing goo into their gussets", so I'm not sure it's quite the innocent children's fun I thought it was.

Unfortunately I can't resist anything which says 'click here'.

I now feel quite ill.

And I like custard.

But changing the subject, I successfully packed off my sister to Las Vegas and my brother to Essex (classy destinations both), and headed down to Brighton yesterday afternoon, where I played a game of Junior Cluedo with Lisa's nephew. The makers clearly feel that murder is too violent a subject for children, so in Junior Cluedo you have to find out which of the suspects ate the cake, and what drink they had. So it's Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the apple juice, and not a hint of lead piping anywhere. Which is all rather lovely. And means the delicate minds of young children remain undisturbed by the notion of death.

After which Lisa's nephew was free to go back to hacking people into small pieces and ripping their heads off in 'Blood & Guts IV' on the Playstation.

The gaming done, I began my performance of festive music, which seemed to go down quite well. The aforementioned nephew managed to dance throughout, in a display reminiscent of Bez from the Happy Mondays. It definitely added something to the performance, and I may decide to take him on tour in the new year. The other nephew just took advantage of the situation by stealing my drink. So he's off the guest list.

I ignored the calls for a second encore (which admittedly only existed in my own mind), and instead Lisa and I made a fast getaway back to the safety of Shotley Gate, where we plan to see just how little we can do for two days.

Oh, and while I'm here, may I just say a big thank you to Mrs Bruno for the Christmas Tic-Tacs. You shouldn't have.

No, really - I'd have preferred bagels.