I presented Lisa with a breakfast tray this morning, consisting of carefully arranged toast with candle, expensive birthday card, and the world's smallest box of chocolates, all in the hope of distracting her from the fact that I haven't yet bought her a present. It seemed to go down quite well. Apart from the crusts, which she never eats.

All I need to do now is buy a cake ready for her triumphant return from work. As it happens, I live within walking distance of ChoccyWoccyDoodah, the shop which made a cake in the shape of Jordan's breasts for her wedding to Peter Andre. They do "a funky chocolate cake, great for birthdays and tight budgets". It starts at £25. So it's straight down to Asda then.