I never thought I'd say this, but Amelie sucks.

And judging by those facial expressions, I don't think her thumb tastes that good.

Mind you, it could have been worse. Thank God she wasn't sucking her feet at eight-thirty this morning. Personally I was showered and dressed, with breakfast very much on the agenda, when I noticed that Amelie was wide awake in her Moses basket (no change there then). With Lisa sleeping like a baby log, I decided to get in quick for Amelie's first smile of the day, and headed straight over to wish her good morning.

I've had a bit of nasal congestion recently, but frankly I didn't need to be Barry Manilow to sense that Amelie needed her nappy changing. So I looked at the clock, weighed up the pros and cons, and decided I just about had time to do it before I left for work.

Well I won't go into details, but suffice it to say I felt like I'd unearthed a new sewage outflow pipe. I kept expecting Greenpeace to turn up and protest about the environmental damage. Anyway, I've checked the record books, and it appears that no nappy in the history of childcare has ever been that soiled.

So I cleaned it all up. Which took about ten minutes and a hundred baby wipes. After which I popped to the kitchen with the bulging nappy sack, leaving a spotlessly clean baby merrily kicking her legs on the floor. I returned thirty seconds later to find her paddling in a pile of her own poo.

But if you think kneeling on the floor surrounded by paper towels, trying to wipe poo from between your daughter's toes, sounds like no fun at all, just wait until she starts weeing all over you at the same time. Frankly by the time she'd finished, we both needed a change of clothes and a bath. Only one of us got it. The other had to leave for work.

Fortunately I was out for most of the day, driving between the Royal Sussex County Hospital, the Sussex Eye Hospital, Hove Polyclinic and the Princess Royal Hospital in Haywards Heath, so I didn't stop long enough for anyone to notice the smell.