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Monday, July 16, 2012

The problem with writing about my weekend is that it's difficult to describe what I did without sounding like Kim & Aggie. Suffice it to say that the kitchen is now so clean, I'll be forcing Amelie to live in there permanently without her slippers. I even cleaned the oven, which was no mean feat, given that we bought it almost two years ago, and the only Mr Muscle ever to go near the thing is me with a tray of potatoes.

As it happens though, my assault on the axis of oven-baked evil yesterday morning led me to the discovery of a new all-purpose household detergent. From now on, I'm going to spray everything with industrial oven cleaner. Admittedly, the bottle features more dire warnings than a can of anthrax, but our oven's already claimed the fingers of one innocent worker, so I needed something pretty dangerous to tackle it.

The interesting thing though, is that in addition to removing two-year-old baked-on grease, a can of Mr Muscle Oven Cleaner works a treat on council-installed worktops. One of the warnings on the can is not to allow it to come into contact with any of your surfaces, but if you follow my example and ignore that advice to the letter, you'll find that your kitchen gleams whiter than Simon Cowell's smile.

During my opening offensive on the enemy within the oven, I accidentally sprayed the stuff on the kitchen worktop, and when I came to wipe it off ten minutes later, I found that it had miraculously transformed the stained, greying surface beneath into a glowing (possibly radioactive) vision of whiteness. So I decided to spray it all over.

The result is that we now have a kitchen so white, you need sunglasses to enter. It looks like John Lennon's house in the Imagine video. I keep expecting Yoko Ono to turn up and start slagging off my friends. And it's all because I ignored the instructions, and used oven cleaner on our surfaces. I'm going to try Toilet Duck on the furniture and see what happens.

9 comments:

Jon the Bassist said...

I would imagine that the toilet ducks cunning design feature should easily flush out all of that loose change lost beneath the rim of the 3 piece suite, and put yourself in a win win situation, especially after an angry exchange and tussle between multi millionaires Yoko Ono and Robin Cousins!
Good luck.
ps
All that said, I have waited nearly 50 years for Donald Trump to visit my place so I can use my Shake n Vac credit card extractor!

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