Don't worry, I haven't grown a moustache. Or a pair. If I wanted to experience extreme levels of terror, I'd just ask Lisa to leave me alone with the kids for a day. I don't need to hurtle off a cliff in a plastic log. That's not actually me. And it's not Doctor Eggman either. In fact, the evil hipster who has my daughter in his menacing clutches is none other than our good friend Andrew. He clearly deserves a medal for bravery. Not for going on the log flume at Brighton Pier, but for spending a few hours with Amelie.
Anyhoo, that was Bank Holiday Monday in Brighton. Toby wasn't allowed out due to extreme levels of naughtiness and a refusal to wear trousers, but we needed someone to keep a close eye on Amelie...
... and Stefan & Andrew are always up for a bit of hard work, so I met them on the pier for some white-knuckle childcare. It gave me the chance to treat Amelie to a kids' wristband entitling her to unlimited free rides, and then watch as she refused to go on any of them. Not that she was completely unreasonable. She was quite willing to try all the adult rides for £4 a go, whilst asking for toffee apples, fish & chips and ice cream. It was just the free stuff she didn't want.
To be honest, you have to take your fun wherever you can find it. We'd spent Saturday afternoon terrorising fish with a big stick in the garden of a good friend, which was surprisingly enjoyable...
Though possibly not for the fish. It did, however, inspire me to live up to my name by philling the car with gardnering stuff for the balcony...
Obviously that pot plant had been knocked over by the wind within twenty-four hours, but it would have been dead within a week anyway due to Amelie's excessive watering.
Anyhoo, the big news of the week is that Brighton & Hove are now red and green apples, bobbing in a sea of Conservatism...
I usually turn to food in moments of stress, so I've been doing a lot of comfort eating since Thursday. It's a good job we've got so many food banks. Things are so bleak that Toby's packed a bag and is heading for the airport...
He's not leaving the country, he's going to meet David Miliband.
Fortunately, we still have mementos of the good old days when liberalism meant street artists wearing hats instead of Paddy Ashdown eating them...
The details are a bit sketchy...
He charged me five quid for that. Bloody capitalist.