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Sunday, June 30, 2013

One of the joys of writing a blog is that I get a lot of stimulating and thought-provoking e-mails from nutters. Although obviously, if you're reading this, I don't mean you. It's the other nutters I'm talking about. Over the past few months, however, I've seen a noticeable increase in the number of people who think their lives would benefit enormously from getting a mention on this blog. Which is surprising, as Lisa gets name-checked quite often, and it's done sod all for her.

I've had the likes of Aimee, who said:

"I have just been reading some of your latest blog entries on your website mulledwhines.net, and I have some great ideas for articles of my own that would work well for your site."

Technically, of course, they'd only work well if they're based around incidents from my life, so unless Aimee's a gifted stalker or my mother's pseudonym, she's probably mistaken. But as as alternative, there's always a bloke called Dave, who wrote this:

"I hope you do not mind me contacting you like this but I have just been on your website mulledwhines.net and think that our styles of content are pretty similar. I write posts for sites that I like free of charge and was wondering if you would like me to write you a free 500 word post. I am trying to get my work covered on great sites and your site fits the bill."

He's such a flatterer. Unfortunately for Dave, I also write posts for sites that I like. Mainly this one. So I don't really need his services.

Things took a more interesting turn the Wednesday before last, however, when I received this e-mail from someone called Olivia:

Hi

Thanks for linking to http://www.adelphitheatrelondon.com from your web page at: http://www.mulledwhines.net/2007/09/think-your-smart-think-you-can-misspell.html

I am writing to tell you that this site has been moved to a new domain. Please update your page to link to our new Adelphi website: http://adelphi.londontheatres.co.uk/

Best regards
Olivia
AdelphiTheatreLondon.com

The blog post she's referring to is this one from six years ago, in which I mentioned that we were going to London to see Joseph, and then linked to both the Adelphi Theatre website and a fantastic (and hugely underrated) quiz.

Unfortunately, I read Olivia's e-mail on our return from Paignton Zoo, and the last thing I intended to do was to spend my holiday updating old blog links, so I ignored it for the time being. Which is more than Olivia did. Eight days later, on Thursday the 27th, she contacted me again...

Hello,

I am emailing to check you received my message below regarding your link to http://www.adelphitheatrelondon.com. If you are able to respond to me as soon as possible I would be most grateful.

Best regards
Olivia
AdelphiTheatreLondon.com

Clearly time waits for no man in the heady world of showbiz, and Olivia's terrified she could be losing a fortune in ticket sales from people clicking on my outdated link. So, feeling slightly irritated by her harrassment, I went to edit my old blog post. At which point I found that I hadn't actually linked to AdelphiTheatreLondon.com, I'd linked to AdelphiTheatre.co.uk. And that link still works, taking you straight to the official website.

So I checked out the new address that Olivia wanted me to use: http://adelphi.londontheatres.co.uk/. That takes you to a nice looking site with information about the current show, a number for telephone bookings, and a link to buy tickets online. And it has this statement in very small print at the bottom:

"This website is for informational purposes only and is in no way associated with or authorised by the Adelphi Theatre."

Yes, Olivia's basically a ticket tout trying to pass herself off as the real deal. So I wrote straight back to her with this:

Hi Olivia,

Yes, I did receive your e-mail, but I’m not stupid, so I won’t be updating my link to direct people to a website which has no affiliation to or association with the Adelphi Theatre.

Nice try though.

Phil.

That was Thursday morning, and I've heard nothing back. So much for being "most grateful" for my quick response.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

It's me and Am on the Fairy Tale Brook at thirteen minutes past eight!


I think the fairytale we were going for was Grimm. And I'm joking about the time. Legoland closes at 5pm, so at 20:13 we were still trying to get out of the car park.

Anyhoo, it's a well known fact that despite the amount of hate mail I get, I rarely have a bad word to say about anyone. Although I might slag off someone called Olivia tomorrow. But in all honesty, Legoland was a crushing disappointment. I definitely preferred Brixham to Bricks Am. Despite a world of possibilities, all they seem to have built out of Lego is a vastly overpriced temple of consumerism. And they have more queues than Ronnie O'Sullivan. It wasn't just crap, it was expensive crap. And they won't even let you leave. But I digress...

One of the highlights of the past fortnight has been my emergence as a sandwich-making tour de force. Not only did I spend many happy hours in our chalet last week making packed lunches for four, but I was up at five-thirty yesterday morning, baking ciabattas and buttering bread. Which explains why I was starving by 11:30 and eating it all. I was glad we took our own food though. Having driven through the torrential rain of the M25, we arrived at Legoland at 10:45am to be greeted, not by a selection of rides, but by a range of shops. And I don't mean these shops...


This was one of my main criticisms of the place. They charge £45.60 - yes, £45.60 - for one adult ticket on the gate, but having remortgaged your house just to get your family inside, you're presented with endless shops, stores and attractions designed to relieve you of more cash. Once through the turnstiles, all you can see are shops, snack bars and restaurants. You pass a toy shop, a sweet shop and a clothes shop before getting anywhere near any rides. And with the prices they were charging, the entire proceeds of Live Aid would have bought the Ethiopians a couple of burgers and some fries.

Of course, we didn't pay to get in. If we had, I'd be writing to Watchdog. But having entered for free, courtesy of Mr Tesco, you'd think we could have had a whale of a time regardless. And to be fair, Amelie did enjoy herself. But let's face it, she can have the time of her life in a rundown playground on a council estate. I know, because I take her there a lot. For me and Lisa, however, Legoland failed to match up to the Woodlands Family Theme Park on every single score.

We were there all day yesterday, and went on a total of eight rides. Which, at current ticket prices for the three of us, works out at about sixteen quid a go. And we avoided all the 'big' ones due to long queues. The calibre of ride we were getting for £16 was a lot more like this...


That's Lisa failing another driving test in a different coloured scarf. She might have looked overdressed for a safari, but when it came to mingling with the jet set, she was a lot more at home...



Anyhoo, while Woodlands offered us a whole week of fun for a fraction of the price, along with rides for all four of us, and even a microwave to warm our baby food, Legoland seemed entirely geared towards getting our money. They had far too many shops and not enough toilets. The place was packed, the queues were long, they had hardly any seats anywhere, and the rides themselves were disappointing. Even without queues, they would have seemed a let-down.

On the plus side, the good thing about a lame ride which goes slower than 1mph is that it makes it easy to get good photos...


I really like that one. Obviously it was taken by Lisa, so I did have to crop it a bit. She has a tendency to film foliage, so the original looked like this...


To be honest though, it could have been a lot worse. The first ride that Amelie and I went on was the Viking River Splash, and having stood in the queue for half an hour, I texted Lisa just before we climbed into the boat, at which point she and Toby took a prime position on the first bend, readied my camera, and snapped this memorable image...


To be honest, it wasn't everything I'd hoped it would be. Let's face it, no amount of cropping is going to improve that one. We'd have gone round again, but the queue had grown to 45 minutes, and the actual ride was rubbish. Even Amelie said it was lame. Although she says that about my singing, so you can't always believe her.

Sadly Toby didn't get to go on anything all day. He did come into the Imagination Theatre with us, but he refused to wear the 3D glasses, so I'm not sure he really enjoyed it. I shared my ice cream with him though. Which was an act of extreme generosity, as they charge £2.95 for one scoop.

One bit which did look quite good was the brand new Duplo Valley Splash & Play area, which has only just opened. Unfortunately it summed up the whole place perfectly. It's a small water play park, and requires you to wear a swimming costume. So they've opened it alongside a store selling vastly overpriced swimsuits.

Ultimately, Legoland was rubbish...


But if we thought the crap was behind us when we walked back through the turnstiles, we were very, very wrong. The park closed at 5pm, but they don't let you leave until you've paid £3 for a ticket to exit the car park. And the only self-service ticket machine was faulty, requiring a member of staff to operate it for you. So by the time we'd got our ticket, returned to the car, and started moving, it was 5:40pm.

It then took us an hour and a half to leave. We reached the main entrance at 7:08pm. Seriously. For reasons which still remain a mystery, the cars leaving the car park were completely gridlocked for over an hour. We sat there, averaging an inch a minute, while fellow Legolanders gradually lost their cool and went mental. By definition, every car contained children, and you can't shut kids in a car for ninety minutes without moving. People were abandoning their vehicles and playing football on the grass verges. Others were shouting and screaming. One woman started chucking traffic cones into the hedges, another ranted that she'd paid £250 to treat her family to this kind of hell, while the man in the car behind went on the rampage, snapping fences in two, and chucking poles across the car park. I've heard of breaking down barriers, but this was more like watching a low budget remake of Cloverfield.

When staff eventually turned up, they blamed the traffic on the main road, and were almost jumped on by an angry mob. Their only solution was to open the ticket barriers at the exit to speed things up a bit. Which meant we needn't have paid that three quid.

Our original plan had been to leave Legoland at 5pm and head to the Harvester a few miles down the road for one last family meal before I return to work on Monday. As it transpired, we were stuck in the car for four hours, grabbed a quick sandwich from a service station, and got home at 9:30pm with both children in tears. Next time I think I'll just spend my Clubcard vouchers in store.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Quick! Somebody lock this door before she gets back in!!!


That's Toby practising for the zombie apocalypse by locking Amelie out of our chalet. I helped him draw the curtains so we could do our best to ignore her.

But that was last week, and if you think our lives revolve around constant trips to theme parks and tourist attractions, you'd be wrong. In reality, our children can entertain themselves with nothing more than some grass and a bit of decking...


Unfortunately, we live in a flat and have neither. So we're off to Legoland. I've been saving up our Tesco Clubcard vouchers since January, and it's bought us three free tickets for Legoland Windsor. Toby's staying in the car park.

Today is my last day of annual leave, and the last time I'll be able to take Amelie out for the day during term-time without paying a fine or forging a sick note. So we're throwing caution to the wind (and I've seen the weather forecast - we should have some between the rain), ignoring our debts, and living it large in Berkshire.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

The legs of a supermodel; the scarf of sophistication; the elegant pose astride an equine powerhouse... and the coat of John McCririck. Yes, it can only add up to one thing: it must be Ladies Day at Royal Ascot!


That's Lisa sitting on her ass. Or maybe it's a donkey. Either way, the most remarkable thing about that photo is the way the saddles look exactly like her shoes. It must be why they call them mules.

Anyhoo, that photo was taken on Sunday in the Woodlands Park Toddler Zone, which is only open to people under 1.1 metres tall. Amelie's 1.2 metres. And even with the exhausted stoop of the world-weary, Lisa stands higher than that. So the only one with any right to be there was Toby. And he was asleep at the time. But the rest of us enjoyed it. It's the first time I've seen one of those horses since I was five years old at Swan Mead Park in Basildon. And if my mother's half the woman I think she is, she'll be e-mailing me a photo of that within the hour.

Saturday's highlight for me was the sight of Lisa dressed as an air hostess on the Rockin' Tug ride...


... but the day had ended badly when I opened the boot of the car and watched as Amelie's Peppa Pig balloon made a bid for freedom on a freak gust of wind. I've never seen three quid disappear so quickly. Well, not since Lisa ordered a small latte at the motorway services.

So with only one day of our holiday left, I was determined to end the week on a high. Namely, the top of the Arctic Gliders ride...


I look like a fatter, greyer, Ming the Merciless. Only older, and with less of a lust for life. And having been down that ride with her one more time, and come even closer to falling off, I decided it would make far more sense to employ a body double to do all my stunts and escort my daughter down the hill...


I'm trying not to take it personally, but I really don't think Amelie realised it wasn't me. I thought she was going to hug him at one point. She wiped the floor with those other kids though. I haven't seen anyone go downhill so fast since Kerry Katona started drinking.

Anyhoo, after a quick ciggie to calm our nerves...


... we ended both the day and our holiday in the Fantasi Forest zone, where Amelie fed some fish, got spooked by a troll, and grew slightly annoyed with her parents. Now, I realise that some of this week's videos haven't exactly portrayed me and Lisa in the most flattering of child-rearing lights, and look more like trailers for the new series of Supernanny. But in our defence, we don't always laugh at our children when they're in life-threatening situations, and personally I think that danger builds character, and neglect helps them stand on their own two feet.

So here's me and the wife having fun while our children are in tears...


In the woods, no one can hear you scream. Unless you're Amelie throwing a tantrum. Although when she started, I thought she was a parrot. She was slightly miffed because she wanted to feed the fish, and we were eating into her schedule. Which is ironic, as she'll never do anything we want on time. She was fine two minutes later though, I swear...


The wizard's house juts out over the lake and has a hole in the floor, so the fish swim right up to be fed. It's really quite charming. And they play background music over loudspeakers, so you can't hear your baby crying outside.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

In the wake of his recent sentencing, new footage has emerged of Jeremy Forrest crossing the channel with a schoolgirl...


The way that boat's tipping to the left, it's a miracle they ever made it. You'd think a maths teacher would have balanced things a bit better. And that's not the number 10 on the back; it's the last two letters of pedalo. Jeremy scratched off the rest, in case people thought it said paedo.

Anyhoo, it's a well known fact that the family that swings together, stays together...


Obviously Toby isn't in that video, but someone had to hold the camera. It's just a shame he didn't pan to the right to show my massive backside knocking Amelie off her feet and straight into the trees. It was a real father-daughter moment.

Of course, anyone who saw Amelie's directorial debut the other day is probably wondering why I don't let Lisa film any of these videos. She is, after all, a mature and sophisticated woman with the neckwear of a showbiz luvvie, and should be capable of matching the camera work of a four-year-old. Well, here's your answer...


She elicits wooden performances from her stars. Mainly because she only films trees.

Anyhoo, the last weekend of our holiday was spent entirely at Woodlands Leisure Park, so with a total of four days there, we definitely got our money's worth. Saturday was probably the lowlight of our holiday, mainly because we had the kind of conditions that meant we had to spend half an hour in the gift shop looking for treatments for frostbite and trench foot. I'd say it was the weather from hell, but frankly hell would have been a lot warmer.

Fortunately, in our efforts to shelter from the rain, we stumbled across Woodlands' top-secret research lab where they carry out evil experiments on helpless victims...


Well, I say top-secret. The sign did give it away a bit. But before we knew it, they'd turned Amelie into a turtle...


Personally I was more than willing to let her stay that way. A hectic week meant that by Saturday her tiredness levels were peaking, and she was touchy in the extreme. I couldn't even shoot a simple video of Lisa on a pirate ship without it being gate-crashed by Amelie sobbing into a foot-long Slush Puppie...


And that peacock's just taking the piss.

But as luck would have it, the day was salvaged by a visit from a very special person...


And that person was willing to dress up as Peppa Pig and hug my daughter. Which was more than I felt like doing. There were signs all over Woodlands on Saturday stating that a photographer would be in the park, taking photos which might be used for marketing purposes. Which was worrying as I rarely allow pictures of us to appear on the web.

By the time we got back to the chalet that evening, Amelie was already appearing on the Woodlands Park Facebook page, and what's more, she was smiling. As was Lisa on that horse. I promise I'll publish that photo tomorrow...

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Well, we're home, and I've weighed myself, so I've already lost quite a lot of time this morning coming round from that fainting fit and then trying to slash my wrists with a blunt pizza wheel. I've also had unpacking to do and shopping to sort out, in addition to taking Amelie to nursery and preparing for a visit to her new school this afternoon.

So there's not a lot of time for blogging, and the photo of Lisa on a horse will have to wait. But in the meantime, here's a postcard from the nursery's special envoy and everyone's favourite teddy boy, the international travel correspondent that is... DISCO BEAR!





Wish you were here.

Monday, June 24, 2013

One of my main reasons for having children was to provide me with a low-cost film crew to document my life...


That's the sound man kicking his legs in the corner of shot and testing the mic with some screaming, but the real talent's behind the camera. She's a lot like Roman Polanski. Well, she likes the company of young girls.

Unfortunately there's no time to edit any more footage. After an action-packed week in the heaven of Devon, I've reached the stage where I need a holiday. And besides, I haven't shaved for seven days, and our family photos are beginning to look like three people being stalked through the woods by a slightly camp Bigfoot...


So we're heading home...


I'm giving Toby a ten-minute head start. We'll pick him up in Torquay.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

It takes a great deal of innocence to pose this cheerfully with roadkill...


I'm joking of course. She's not as innocent as she looks. And I don't think that horse is dead either. Although I'd get it to a vet sooner rather than later.

Anyhoo, this holiday is all about making dreams come true. As long as they're reasonable, and cost less than a tenner. Lisa might be living the dream, but the rest of us are on a tight budget. Fortunately, however, Amelie has held a burning lifelong ambition to ride a pony (accompanied by a genuine hope of keeping one on the balcony), so whilst in Devon, I felt we should fulfil the girl's dreams by heading to Dartmoor and breaking a wild horse...


I haven't seen her looking so pleased since she found out where I keep the blu-tac and started wallpapering the flat with her own artwork.

So on Friday, the Gardner Make-a-Wish Foundation organised a trip to the Miniature Pony Centre on Dartmoor. We took the A380, which is the closest we're likely to get to the world's largest airliner, but having got stuck in the mother of all traffic jams, we eventually had to do a u-turn and go a completely different way. It wasn't so much horse power as a pain in the ass.

It was worth the extended journey though. The Miniature Pony Centre gets outstanding reviews on TripAdvisor, and having been there, I'm tempted to add to them. Entry was comparatively cheap, the staff were incredibly friendly, and the whole place was completely lovely. It was also surprisingly quiet, which is the bonus of having a child who hasn't started school yet, and taking her during term-time to a place in the middle of nowhere.

Here's her lifelong dream coming true...


My Mum gets a mention in that video, as does Chloe, so I think that counts as a postcard. Which is handy as we haven't sent any.

This is the one for the mantelpiece...


Of course, with this much excitement, fun and laughter, you're bound to end up feeling a little hoarse...


... so it's important to take a break and let others do the riding...


But it's not all about the animals. If you've successfully avoided alcohol and prescription tranquilisers, you can operate heavy machinery...


Hang on a moment. Who's that classy, cosmopolitan lady strolling past at the end with a cool and collected air of effortless sophistication? Yes, it's Lisa in her scarf! That woman's too good for this family. It's a miracle she hasn't left me.

Anyhoo, it wasn't only Amelie who enjoyed herself. Toby fell in love with a ginga pig...


... and watched his sister rabbiting on...


But having herded some ponies, fed some goats, stroked a mouse and heard a pig talk (in English), the only thing left to experience was the white-knuckle thrill of the toddler swings...


At least he'll die laughing.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

There are times in life when I'd happily pay someone to push Amelie down a big hill...


But she'd only enjoy it. Frankly the girl has no fear. She went on that ride five times, and happily walked all the way back up the forest path to the top of the hill on her own, which probably isn't legal at the age of four. It's a good job everyone thinks she's seven.

Personally, I went on that ride three times, each occasion filled with terror as I swerved uncontrollably all over the track, convinced I was about to break both arms. The only thing keeping me going was the knowledge that it can't be as dangerous as it feels, and they wouldn't let you do it if there was a chance of serious injury. At which point the bloke at the top told me that he's seen quite a few people fall off. And probably attended their funerals. So I left Amelie to it.

Anyhoo, having weighed up our options for Thursday, we decided against African gorillas in the mist, and opted for Woodlands Park in the fog. It meant Lisa could wear her scarf again. And with the BBC no longer owning the rights to all Formula 1 races, I'm thinking of offering them this...


That ride is strictly for children aged 6-12. Unless the park's deserted and the staff are all on a tea break. At which point all bets are off, and anything goes. Including Lisa around a race track.

To be honest, it felt like we had Woodlands Park to ourselves for most of the day. It was a bit like The Blair Witch Project with slides. And after our second full day, we still hadn't seen everything. We did, however, try the indoor rides, which proved to be surprisingly good, particularly the Barracuda slide, which made the Ninja Towers one look like a toddler toy. I'd show you a photo, but I was too busy screaming like a girl.

After a brief shower, we headed back into the woods for a bit of swinging...


... after which Amelie drove us to distraction on a big train...


But ultimately, as a pushy parent, you can only really have fun if you send your daughter down a zip wire at full speed with no safety equipment...


I think I need to push her a bit harder.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Wednesday was the day the sun came out. It was also the day that Toby threw up over Lisa's hair at 7am, thereby forcing her into the shower two hours ahead of schedule. The combination of those two happy events meant that we abandoned our plan to return to Woodlands Park, and decided instead to make the most of our early start and the good weather by visiting Paignton Zoo.

It also meant that three of us got to show a bit of leg...


Four, if you count Disco Bear. Lisa may not have stripped above the ankle, but it was the first time she'd gone out without a scarf, so she wasn't doing badly. To be honest, the loss of that scarf was something of a relief for me. Lisa felt it gave her an air of modern sophistication, but I thought it looked like an attempt to cover up the handprints of Charles Saatchi. And we lost a good half hour every morning while she struggled to tie it. That was one of the reasons we got to the zoo so early.

Anyhoo, Paignton Zoo is one of those caring, ethical zoos which focuses on conservation and breeding programmes, prizes animal welfare very highly, and aims to provide a natural habitat for all its creatures. Which means you're lucky to see any of them. In my day, zoos were concrete jungles with steel bars, and the animals were right there in front of you. They might have been pacing their cages in misery on the way to an early death, but at least you could see them do it.

Wednesday's trip around Paignton Zoo was more like an episode of Most Haunted. We spent seven hours creeping around the woods, trying to convince ourselves that we'd just seen something move in the bushes. I think there's every chance it's a big confidence trick. The 'Lemur Wood' was a big enclosed area full of signs warning you not to hand-feed the lemurs, not to stroke them, and what to do if you meet a group of them on the bridge. In reality, they might as well have posted advice on meeting yetis and unicorns. The closest I got to any wildlife was when I saw a sparrow.

Of course, there were exceptions. I managed to spot this cheetah doing a meerkat impression...


And we also witnessed the grace and poise of the noble orangutan, moving majestically through its natural habitat...


But generally speaking, the wildest thing on show was Amelie...


In the wild, most animals are shy of humans, and favour an environment where they can hide. So if you give it to them, they do. We spent a lot of the day looking at grass.

But despite that, we had a nice time. And with the sun shining all day, we had the indoor play centre to ourselves...


I did manage to amuse myself by casually pointing out the lack of security around Gorilla Island, and then momentarily convincing Lisa that one of them had escaped, but that was as close as we got to excitement. It didn't put Amelie off though. She ended the day by pointing out how many animals we hadn't seen, and asking if we could go to Africa to see them there instead. I told her she'd have to choose between that and Woodlands Park. I'll tell you where we went tomorrow...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

In the battle of the discount fashion chains, Peacocks are keeping a close eye on Primark...


Whatever Next?

Anyhoo, we had a right royal time at the Woodlands Family Theme Park yesterday. Which explains why we dressed Amelie as the Queen Mother...


That's her pretending to choke on a fish bone. The pearls cost 50p from a Honiton charity shop, which is her token attempt to prove she's in touch with the common people. In reality, she knows she's far superior. She's only keeping that peacock around in case she needs a new hat.

Anyhoo, we made it to Woodlands Park at 12:15pm yesterday, which was a shame as the guinea-pig handling was at noon. We probably shouldn't have spent so long driving around Totnes looking for a Costa coffee. Our seven-day wristbands turned out to be bright green, so I feel like I'm permanently showing my support for the environment, but it was definitely a good idea to get them. We stayed at the park till it closed, and saw less than a quarter of what's on offer. Amelie's determined to go back today.

Within five minutes of arriving at Woodlands, it became pretty obvious where it got its name. Walking around the park is a bit like spending a day as the Gruffalo. Rather than wandering across an endless expanse of tarmac, it's all woods, hills and winding paths. It's the kind of place you could spend all day exploring, and easily get lost. So I had to keep a close eye on Lisa.

Amelie fulfilled her Queen Mother role by building a few castles...


That's where they got the name Sandringham. But the main focus of the day was the rides. The white-knuckle, death-defying, thrill-seeking rides that require nerves of steel and the courage of ten lions. Or failing that, a slide...


Lisa says the best part of that video is the look of contempt I give her at the beginning when I'm forced to come back down the steps and explain how to use my camera for the twenty-seventh time. But personally I think it's the way Amelie tells me how to use the sack, despite never having done it herself.

The important thing is that I led by example, and managed to break at least three of the health & safety rules...


I'm leaving the others for another day. It's important to have something to aim for.

Of course, the problem with us adrenaline junkies is that once you're hooked on the drug of excitement, it inevitably leads on to harder stuff. Amelie and I completed the Tornado Toboggan Run five times...


And it was all downhill from there. Minutes later, we'd taken leave of our senses and were scaling the heights of the Rapids Water Coaster...


That's what I call a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Or 'never again'.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Toby's loving his rented high chair...


And I'm loving the wi-fi in the chalet. Twelve quid for seven days' access. That's only two quid more than the high chair. I might stay in all week and play Candy Crush.

If it wasn't for those pesky kids. Amelie had me out on the clifftop at 8am this morning, watching her climb a tree while Disco Bear splashed in the puddles. I was forced to eat my Branflakes al fresco with a baby in my arms.

Amelie's now itching to go to Woodlands, and Lisa's in the shower. I'm supposed to be making the sandwiches. And luckily, having spent an hour in Morrisons last night, the fridge is too full to leave them there.

Monday, June 17, 2013

We've arrived in Brixham! And Amelie's already taken her first photo of Disco Bear...


That's him relaxing on the sofa in our luxury chalet with his good friend Kayla the cat. We've been here for six hours and we still haven't managed a family photo, but the cuddly toys were being papped within five minutes of arrival.

Anyhoo, this is where we're staying...


You wouldn't get that for fifteen quid in The Sun. It's worth at least twice that. It's bigger than our flat and has nicer furniture, although by the time we've been here a week, it'll probably be just as stained.

It's also conveniently situated on a cliff...


That's Amelie checking how quickly she can run from the cliff edge to the patio doors in the event of a sudden landslide. The coastal path is on the other side of those bushes, and we've got views over St Mary's Bay. It's actually very nice.

We got here from Brighton in just under seven hours, which isn't bad when you have a family who can turn a five minute toilet stop into an hour-long eat-athon. I've no idea why they call it fast food. We spent an hour and a quarter at the services on the M27, and another hour in Honiton. Although the latter was surprisingly pleasant.

Of course, if we'd brought our own food, the stops might not have been necessary. And the good news is that I spent a considerable amount of time this morning preparing peanut butter sandwiches for Amelie, and freshly baked ham & tomato ciabattas for Lisa. The bad news is I left them in the fridge. So if anyone wants a free lunch tomorrow, my Mum's got a spare key.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

It's Father's Day! And there's no better way to spend it than with my children. Which is why I've let my Dad have Amelie for the day.

My parents have been kind enough to take the girl off our hands for the weekend to allow us to pack for our holiday and fully brace ourselves for the week ahead. Which reminds me, I must pack my earplugs. As things stand right now, we haven't actually packed anything, but the time hasn't been completely wasted. We had a very nice pizza last night.

I've also cleaned my car inside and out, and shampooed all the carpets in the flat, so if we're burgled while we're away and then crash on the way home, we should impress all the emergency services. As long as I've got clean underwear.

Despite being one child down, I've been presented with a (rather small) Father's Day card and the gift of an Alison Moyet CD. To be honest, I'm more interested in her weight loss tips than her music, but I liked her last single, and we virtually grew up together (that's only a slight exaggeration) so it's a nice gift to get. Thank you, Toby.

In return, I've been planning the children's holiday itinerary online. I was tempted to book advance tickets for Paignton Zoo, not because they're any cheaper, but because they automatically add a £1.45 'donation' to every ticket to aid their conservation work, unless you specifically request otherwise. So if you buy online, it saves you the embarrassment of standing at the ticket desk and explaining that you just want to look at the animals, you don't want to save them.

I have, however, purchased tickets for the Woodlands Family Theme Park. Their slogan is 'Go Wild at Woodlands', which accurately describes my school days, and whilst they charge £17.10 for a day ticket on the gate, you can spend £15.60 online and get entry for a full seven days. Amelie is charged as an adult due to her unnaturally freakish proportions, but it does mean that she can go on all the rides, and with free entry for a week, we may not go anywhere else.

On the downside, we'll all have to wear Woodlands wristbands for the entire holiday, so I hope they're not day-glo pink and covered in glitter. As the crow flies, the park's only about 8 miles from where we're staying, but unless that crow will give us a lift over the River Dart, we'll probably have to go by road. Which is more like 17 miles.

It should be worth it though. If yesterday in St Leonards is anything to go by, Amelie quite likes parks...


I'm not sure seven days will be enough...

Friday, June 14, 2013

Is this the CD you're looking for..?


Yes, with Amelie it was videos, and with Toby it's CD-roms. If I wasn't using such outdated technology, we wouldn't be in this situation. I should be storing it all in the cloud.

To be honest, I think it's my lack of technological innovation which is holding Toby back. We were watching 'Child Genius' on Channel 4 the other night, and it featured a mother who claimed that her son was speaking in sentences at the age of eight months. Admittedly, she didn't offer any video evidence of that, but he'd probably asked her not to film him.

Toby will be ten-and-a-half-months tomorrow, so if he's ever going to reach genius level, he really should be speaking in rhyming couplets by now, and challenging us with some decent conversation. In reality he can only say Mama, Dada and Bubba. Which is barely even a rap. The boy's bordering on stunted.

But they say that travel broadens the mind, and the good news is that as of 5pm today, I'm officially on annual leave. As Cliff Richard so eloquently put it, she's just a devil woman with evil on her mind we're all going on a summer holiday, no more working for a week or two. My fortnight's break has already got off to a rip-roaring start with a visit from Stefan and Andrew, who brightened my day and lifted my spirits by dropping round for an early evening fruit juice and the kind of good conversation I'm not getting from Toby.

So with a spring in my step and the weather turning wintry, I'm off to start packing for my summer holiday.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

If you think Amelie might be capable of posing for a decent photo at nursery, here's your proof...


Unfortunately it'll cost us fifteen quid to turn that stamp-sized proof into a ten-inch reality, so I think we might stick with a keyring.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Toby's in the swing of things...


He's putting the chill back into wind-chill by relaxing in the wet and blustery sub-zero temperatures of mid-summer. It's no wonder they call it Flaming June. I'm looking forward to Flippin' Heck July.

But the good news is that we're all set for our holiday. Yes, hold onto your hats, get with the groove and blame it on the boogie, it's DISCO BEAR!!!


He's the cousin of Jive Bunny. And I think he knows Hep Cat. But either way, Disco Bear will be leading us a merry dance and partying on down with us in Devon next week, thanks to an exclusive arrangement we've reached with Amelie's nursery.

In addition to a couple of goldfish and some headlice, the nursery is home to a bear called Barnaby, whose main responsibility is to go on holiday with the children and have his photo taken. It's the kind of job I'd like. If it wasn't for the children. In the past couple of years, he's travelled all over the world on various different passports, so I think they're using him as some kind of drugs mule.

Unfortunately, Barnaby's a hard bear to pin down. He's currently living it large in Germany, and isn't expected back until next week, which is a problem, as Amelie's desperate to take him to Devon. So having discussed it with one of the ladies yesterday (you know, the ladies we nominated for a Hospital Star Award), they went straight to the nearest charity shop and sourced DISCO BEAR especially for our daughter. He's like Michael Palin's understudy. And he travels on a budget.

Amelie brought him home from nursery this afternoon, and in addition to that fine jumpsuit and sparkly cape, he also has a fetching pair of wellies. Amelie has informed me that he can wear them if it rains. So I've told her to put them on now.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

They say your school days are the happiest days of your life...


That's Amelie grinning from ear to ear at the very thought of starting school. Obviously she's hiding it well, but she doesn't like to get over-excited. She's more the chilled-out, introverted type. At least she is in my dreams.

To be honest, I don't think she really wanted her photo taken. As a general rule, Amelie's 100% dedicated to the attention-seeking lifestyle for about 23 hours and 45 minutes a day. I just happened to catch her during her 15 minute break. The moment I tried to give her my undivided attention with a camera, she wouldn't play ball. Although if I'd asked her to play ball, she'd have jumped at the chance. Repeatedly, and off the sofa.

Anyhoo, Lisa struggles to get herself ready on time for pretty much everything, but when it comes to our daughter, her preparation skills are immaculate. Amelie doesn't start school for another three months, but Lisa's already got her uniform. The girl's currently four-and-a-half, and the uniform's age 6-7, so there's every chance she'll have grown out of it by September. She's already wearing pyjamas that are age 7-8. I'm thinking of getting her work in a freak show.

Needless to say, the multi-coloured hairband isn't part of the Catholic dress code, so the hands-on-hips pouting should come in useful when they start telling her she can't accessorise. I'm expecting a tantrum when she's banned from wearing her Cowgirl hat in the classroom.

Unfortunately, her first telling-off is going to have to wait a little longer than anticipated. We received a letter from the school on Saturday, which said this...


That's all very lovely, but sadly it's for Monday of next week. Which is when we go on holiday. We're planning to leave for Devon at 9am, so by 2 o'clock in the afternoon we'll be about three miles outside of Brighton, arguing about who to blame for our tardiness. There's no way we can make the meeting as well.

Fortunately they're also holding a couple of "informal sessions" (which sound right up Amelie's street) in late June and early July, so we'll be attending those instead. It should be an interesting experience. I bet no child has ever been expelled before they've actually started school, so it gives Amelie something to aim for.