Returned home at midnight from my 30th birthday meal to find that the locals of Shotley Gate were letting off fireworks in my honour. It's so nice to be appreciated.

SUMMARY OF THE PAST WEEK:

Tuesday - Drove to a recording studio north of Cambridge where I'd been invited to record one of my songs.

...which led to...

Saturday - Performed onstage at a garden party in front of fifty hog-fed people and one bouncy castle.

...which led to...

Sunday - Stood in a field while my female companion poked cowpats with sticks to look for dung beetles.

Barely three weeks ago I stated publicly on my website that my one hope for the future would be for John Magnier to buy me a racehorse. With suspiciously good timing, the Racing Post are reporting this morning that the aforementioned Mr Magnier (or Johnny, as he'll surely insist on me calling him from now on) has just bought Choisir for £10 million. It's my birthday in two weeks time. SURELY it can't just be coincidence, can it?

Never before have I felt so much like standing outside a TV studio and chanting the word "TICKLE" as though my life depended on it. Let's just say I'm a happy bunny. At least until the phone bill arrives.

Another day, another top quality search engine hit. This time someone searched Yahoo for the words "hen reproduce", and (naturally) ended up at my site. So not only do I have the food hygiene market sewn up, but I'm now also a leading authority on chicken sex.

I've been offered the chance to go into the studio and lay down some tracks (man). With pop stardom surely just around the corner, I've been studying the pros for pointers, and decided that what I really need is a gimmick. Britney Spears has cornered the market in virginity, so that's out, but I feel drawn to Eminem's use of power tools. I'm not sure I could stretch to a chainsaw, but I'm considering appearing on stage with a Black & Decker Workmate.

Gos is out. Which is just as well, as his evil twin is up for trial on terrorism charges in the US. Actually Moazzam Begg looks more like Gos than Gos does. (Click here). No wonder BB producers panicked at the first mention of the word bomb.

Oooh a bomb scare! How exciting! I expect it was the population of Britain uniting in an attempt to blow up Lisa.

BB cancelled due to a technical fault?? Don't tell me Davina's gone into labour???

Is it wrong to admit that I found Lisa's attack of breathlessness on last night's Big Brother the most entertaining moment so far? (Or at least post Jon). (Or post Tania's pig-related audition piece for Drama Queen 2003). (Well ok, the most entertaining moment this week). I'm not totally heartless, so if I believed for one moment that it was genuine, I wouldn't be laughing. But come on, if Gos can make it around that course without keeling over from a heart attack, anyone can. And besides, did Lisa actually get any further than putting on her hat and looking in the mirror? Obviously the British public were stunned by her miraculous recovery, with medical experts baffled as to how she could be fit and well the moment the task was over. Myself, I put the whole episode down to post-operative stress. These sex-change procedures are no walk in the park. Or so I'm told.