Pages

Subscribe: Subscribe to me on YouTube

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

It was four years ago today that I said “I do”


The question was “Do you want fries with that?”, but the good news is that an hour before I stuffed my face at the Ha-Ha Bar, I’d successfully spliced myself to Lisa for all eternity. And four years on, we’re still together. Partly for the sake of the children, but mainly because I can’t afford a flat of my own and I like the way she makes Italian Beef Casserole.

We’re celebrating our extraordinary commitment this evening as only we can, by dressing up as New Romantics and going to see Soul Boys of the Western World. Or, as I prefer to call it, ‘Spandau Ballet: The Movie’. ‘Nik Kershaw: The Musical’ was fully booked.

My Mum’s already arrived to babysit, and I can hear the sounds of ‘True’ ringing in my ears, so I’m off out for an evening of 80s with a woman in her 40s. I love you, Mrs Gardner. xxx

Sunday, September 28, 2014

This blog may have been lost to follow-up for the past week, but there's a good reason for that...


I've actually been living here since Wednesday...


Yes, that's right, I've left Lisa for someone with a nicer flat. Admittedly, the painting of a vagina above the bed makes Rorschach look subtle, and the carpet's modelled on a zebra crossing, but there are six of my five-a-day on the coffee table and the view looks like this...


That's Birmingham city centre (or centre city, depending on the dyslexic capabilities of your sign writer). I've shacked up with White Dee.

In reality, of course, I'd be a fool to leave Lisa. She's the only member of this family that can iron a shirt. I am, however, prepared to abandon her and the kids for three days in order to attend the best national conference this side of Vanarama. Although I'm obliged to say that, as I was one of the organisers. And one of the speakers. And I chaired one of the sessions. And presented a poster. To be honest, by the time I'd finished running around with a microphone, cueing up the Powerpoints, judging the photo competition and hunting for lost certificates, I barely had time to stuff my face with free food. I need to make that more of a priority.

Attendance was marginally better than this picture suggests...


... and I like to think the entire conference was a roaring success. Apart from my talk, obviously, which almost resulted in a fight.

I spent a lot of time with people that I already knew were lovely, and they introduced me to quite a few more, so all in all, it was an excellent few days. I was even given a box of Ferrero Rocher, which was perfect timing as it's our wedding anniversary on Tuesday and it'll save me having to buy Lisa a present.

I returned home to the news that Amelie's received a top award for her first homework of Year 1, while Lisa has had a letter from the Sussex Eye Hospital accusing her of being blepharospastic. Which means she's a blinking nuisance. It's the opposite of eye-opening news, and came as no surprise whatsoever. They're going to try another gonioscopy in three months time, with accompanying OCT. I'll be advising my colleagues to phone in sick that day.

Monday, September 22, 2014

If the stress of having children drives you to a heart attack...


... a quick change in a phone box will soon turn you back into Superman. It’s also handy for when Lois Lane breaks your heart.

Anyhoo, just look at the crumbling old ruin on the right...


I blame the kids for that too. She’s a shell of her former self.

But as the photo above demonstrates, we successfully rendezvoused with Stefan & Andrew yesterday in the picturesque surroundings of Bramber Castle, near Steyning. It boasts panoramic views of a one-thousand-year-old church, and is conveniently situated near an ice cream van, a car park and a pub. So the Normans chose the right place to build it.

Lisa and I rarely get further than the McDonald’s drive-through, so a country pub was Andrew’s suggestion, and very nice it was too. We had a very civilised lunch in the beer garden of the Castle Inn Hotel, while the children selflesssly entertained the other diners by blowing bubbles, running around the table, and shouting with wild excitement about next to nothing.

To be honest, I didn’t pay them much attention (although I did notice who supplied the bubbles and sugar), as I was deep in conversation most of the time, trying to glean as much career advice as possible from a man who advertises his services with a picture of a tight-rope-walking cat. Andrew told me it would be unethical for him to advise me professionally, which I think was just his way of offering to do it for free.

Having been thoroughly counselled by a couple of good friends and wise owls, I looked at the squashed peas stuck to my shoes, and the chocolate ice cream all over my jeans, and resolved never to sit next to Toby again. At which point we made for the exit before anyone charged us for the clean-up.

Our post-meal stroll up to the castle was well worth it. The views through the trees extend for miles, and Toby could see so far that he was even able to spot some Slovakian features in the distance...


He also does a good Humpty Dumpty...


Fortunately I grabbed him before the second line of the rhyme.

Personally, I managed to climb to the top of the castle motte, only to find that I was too scared to come back down, so it’s a miracle I’m not still there. Amelie, however, has no such fear of heights, and thought it was entirely possible she might be able to scale the castle wall...


In the end, I told her that she’d have to rely on Lisa to climb up after her if she got stuck, so she saw sense and came down. To be honest, she’d only got about six inches off the ground, but another foot and I’d have been too scared to go after her.

Anyhoo, it was another lovely afternoon with our favourite male couple (after Ben & Jerry), so having indulged in a bit of swinging...


... Stefan and Andrew skipped off into the sunset like Morecambe and Wise...


They’re bringing me sunshine by looking after one of my children. They really are the perfect friends.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I've spent half of this weekend feeling oppressed by the weather, half by the kids, and half by my last-minute decision to give a presentation at a conference on Thursday. It's all too pressurised by half. But as of twenty minutes ago, the presentation's finished (and so am I), so we're off out now to celebrate the week's successes over lunch with Stefan and Andrew.

They're bringing us the pleasure of their company, and I'm giving them the blueprint for improving the life of our kittens...



I'll buy them a power saw for Christmas.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Lisa's just taken delivery of a personalised Frozen keyring that she ordered for Amelie's school bag...


I think I'll put it on her swimming bag instead.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Hands up if you think green is the new black..?


Yesterday was a momentous day. Not least because we finally got our hands on the official DVD of Amelie's dance show from early July. And needless to say, it's a triumph. Toby's watched it from start to finish, applauding at the end of every routine whilst pointing at the TV and shouting "Ammy!". So he clearly has no idea what she looks like. She's only in one of the dances.

But as the video above shows, she can shake like a leaf with the best of 'em. Why they put her at the back, I have no idea. Although that's where we get the word 'upstage', so it's probably appropriate. She'd get more than a seven from Len Goodman.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

It's 2014 and we've finally got a dishwasher...


I think we might also have a mild case of strabismus, but I'm not taking him to an orthoptist until he's finished the hoovering.

Friday, September 12, 2014

It's a well known fact that in addition to adding a few pounds, the camera always brings out my suntan...


It's bleached Lisa's hair too. Fortunately, Toby and Amelie look themselves, as does Doc McStuffins. We all experienced the Lazarus reflex at the end, as our brains were starved of oxygen on the descent, but other than that, the ride was unremarkable.

Anyhoo, that video was taken at Drusillas on Bank Holiday Monday. I still haven't explained what I was doing with Louie Spence, but to be honest, the moment's passed. And the less said, the better.

The important thing is that it demonstrates the ups and downs of the past few weeks. As things stand right now, Lisa's got an infected blister on her right little toe, and is in serious danger of either amputation or septic shock (I googled her symptoms), but the important news is that I've had a much better day.

The Occupational Health nurse was lovely, and far from wrapping me in more cotton wool (which the NHS couldn't afford anyway, due to a combination of cutbacks and my fuller figure), she agreed to all my requests without the need for either violence or bribery, and was more than happy to pass me as facially fit to attend a national conference the week after next. Which is just as well, as our hallway is currently occupied by 250 folders, 250 pads, 250 pens and 209 certificates. Which makes me think I might have over-ordered on the folders, pads and pens.

As we speak, the conference programme is at the printers, so there's no going back on the dreadful puns I inserted just before the deadline, and to my huge relief, I'll be there in Birmingham, to defend my decisions in person. It's a major weight off my mind. I'm hoping to meet White Dee, so I'd have been devastated to miss it.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

On the day the UN announced that the ozone layer is showing signs of recovery, it's heart-warming (if not global warming) to discover that my Asda personal shopper has done his or her best to protect the environment by choosing not to put my carrots in a plastic bag, but instead to stick the label on direct with some extra-strong adhesive...


Let's hope the glue is non-toxic. Not that it really matters, as I have an aerosol cleaner I bought in the early 80s which should get that off no problem.

Anyhoo, having spent four weeks being driven into the ground by well-meaning healthcare professionals who are determined to improve my facial health at the expense of my mental health, I'm due back at Occupational Health tomorrow, where I will be telling them politely and respectfully, but firmly and slightly irritably, that I no longer need their help. They really have done enough for me. And I need them to stop before I lose every bloody thing I've worked for.

The good news, however, is that I can use our monthly national exam to prove that I'm now 100% fit for work...


I might have an unresolved palsy, but I'm responding a lot better than that button.

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

You know what it's like. You're sitting at work on a Tuesday afternoon, proof-reading an advance copy of a national eye journal, and wondering why they've put a photo of you on page 4 instead of the article you spent half of Saturday morning writing for them, when all of a sudden, and without any warning whatsoever, you discover that you're at major risk of developing intraoperative floppy iris syndrome.

Yes, intraoperative floppy iris syndrome.

Or, as I prefer to put it, INTRAOPERATIVE FLOPPY IRIS SYNDROME???!

No, seriously. I was reading a how-to guide to cataract surgery, and wondering if I could do it with a stanley knife and a crochet hook, when I came across these words:

"During the author's time at University College Hospital, London, in the period 2012-14, the use of alpha 1 antagonists for urinary outflow symptoms reached virtually 50% in males undergoing cataract surgery. Intraoperative floppy iris syndrome (IFIS) will be an unpredictable risk in patients taking these drugs, especially tamsulosin."

Well, by happy coincidence, I'll be celebrating my first five years on tamsulosin next week. So I'm clearly on the verge of a major ocular prolapse. But only if I have my cataracts done. Apparently IFIS was only discovered in 2005, but let's face it, if anyone's iris is going to start flip-flopping about on the operating table and billowing like a tent in a hurricane, it's mine. And it's too late to prevent the floppiness by stopping the tamsulosin, as the damage has already been done.

I think it's time for the anti-UV sunglasses and a big jar of honey.

Monday, September 08, 2014

From Reception...


... to Year 1...


What she's gained in height, she's lost in fringe. Hello Kitty hasn't changed a bit though.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near..?


I think it's because you've just spent £1 on a thimbleful of nectar, and they're contractually obliged to show an interest. Either that, or they're being starved by the zoo keeper.

Anyhoo, I like to think that if selfies had been invented back in 1963, JFK would have taken one like this...


That's Dealey Plaza in the background. Jacqueline's looking radiant, but there are a couple of dodgy looking characters behind the picket fence on the grassy knoll. They look like they could murder something. Possibly a burger and chips.

Anyhoo, a couple of weeks ago, I made a promise to Lisa that I'd take her and the kids to Drusillas Park, the best only zoo in Sussex. Unfortunately it never rains but it pours. At least it did on the day we were planning to go. So rather than risk turning Thomas the Tank Engine into a log flume ride, we postponed our plans, and I took a day's annual leave so that we could go there yesterday.

Unfortunately, today I've been politely asked if I can write an article for a national eye journal within the next 48 hours, so it's either that or make jokes about the kids. And frankly the eyes have it. But hey, the kids can make their own comedy...


So having taken stock of the situation (and the kids), I'm just going to post a few photos...


And one video...


Rylan Clark, eat your heart out...


The pipes of peace were surprisingly noisy...


... and I'm not sure if Toby was hailing a taxi or recreating Brief Encounter...


But he can spot a lemur from three paces...


And whilst Amelie was all ears...


... neither of them heard me say "Cheese!"...


And by the time they'd assessed the value of a bird in the hand...


... there was just enough time for me to go ape...


... before we had to return home, physically exhausted and suffering from sunstroke. We played 'I Spy' on the drive back, and when asked to spy something beginning with 'F', Amelie looked around the car and thought for a moment, before confidently saying "Fools". To be honest, she makes a good point.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Louie Spence... a pink rabbit... and I'm still the campest person in the photo...


I need to follow Amelie's example, and go out with a bird on each arm...

Monday, September 01, 2014

Ah, the unmistakable sight of a long snout with mouth on end, and a slight hump on the top of the body just behind the eyes...


It can only be the Greater Pipefish, common to coastal waters in the UK, and fish tanks in Sussex. The description comes courtesy of Wikipedia, but it's pretty obvious from the photo.

That was Amelie earlier today at the Blue Reef Aquarium in Hastings. It's home to reef sharks, stingrays and turtles, plus a deadly, venomous lionfish and a giant Pacific octopus. So my Dad took her photo with a pipefish. I presume the sticklebacks were busy.

We actually spent the weekend at my parents' house in St Leonards, risking the lives of small babies...


... and doing our best to hand over responsibility for our children. And having failed to do so to a level we found satisfying (which can only be total) we decided to come home without Amelie. She's still there, getting up close and personal with algae.

Lisa and I did manage to get out for a nice meal at Pizza Express on Saturday night, which was made all the nicer by the fact that I had £30 worth of Tesco vouchers. The final bill for our meal came to £11.20, so I argued that we should leave a tip of just over a quid, but Lisa insisted that it had to be 10% of our original bill, and forced me to hand over four pounds. That's the last time I take her out for her birthday.

Fortunately, however, our coffers will soon be replenished with the proceeds from my burgeoning career in showbusiness. You know what it's like: you're sitting at work on a Monday afternoon, quietly grading a few retinal images, when out of the blue, you're suddenly asked to pop down to the nearest coffee shop and take part in the filming of a major new motion picture. We've all been there. Well, I've been there. And it was slightly embarrassing.

I share my department with the Trust's video production unit, and they clearly know talent when they see it. They took one look at me this afternoon and thought "Yep, there's a man who can sit around and drink coffee at short notice". Within minutes I was whisked away to the nearest film set and told to drink a latte with an actress on camera, whilst laughing hysterically on cue. It was all slightly odd, and I had no idea what I was laughing at, but after three takes I managed to do it correctly, and am now all set to star in an NHS production about people who need help. It should be going viral within days. I just hope I can match the performance of my sister...