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Saturday, November 29, 2003

I've decided to only cover major world events in this blog from now on. So may I say Suzanne wuz robbed. If anyone should've won Pop Idol, it was her. You can't beat a pretty girl who sings like she smokes 40 a day, without so much as a hint of a nicotine stain. I always enjoyed her hand gestures too. She seemed to be signalling traffic in the chorus of every song. So frankly she deserved to win. And I believe I've uncovered the reason she didn't. The show's been going for months and it's only now she's gone that I've noticed her name's Susanne, not Suzanne. So that's about twenty text message votes down the drain. I demand a recount.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

I went to see the film Seabiscuit yesterday. Obviously I'm a hard-as-nails thirty year old man, so I think my tears were probably due to a cold wind making my eyes water in the cinema. But I felt an empathy with little Seabiscuit, and the line "You don't give up on a life just because it's a little banged up" seemed kind of apposite.

Plus of course Seabiscuit slept a lot and ate more than all the other horses. And frankly that's me.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Just when I thought the rugby was finally all over, we've now got the tedium of the homecoming. Why can't we just accept that rugby is a dull sport for aggressive, mentally challenged people who are no good at football? There's just no getting away from it. What is it we've won anyway, the Five Nations? I really couldn't care less. The sooner we forget about Jimmy Williamson, or whatever his name is, and get some proper sport on TV, the better.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Damn, I've missed the boat. I've just come across NaNoWriMo 2003, a yearly attempt to get as many people as possible to each write a 50,000 word novel in a month. It's the kind of mildly insane escapade I'd have been up for. I can't help feeling powerfully drawn to their philosophy: "To write without having to obsess over quality. To be able to make obscure references to passages from your novel at parties. To be able to mock real novelists who dawdle on and on, taking far longer than 30 days to produce their work." and my heart responded instantly to their rallying cry of "Let's write laughably awful yet lengthy prose together!"

Unfortunately, this year's project takes place during the month of November, so I'm already three weeks late. Dammit.

But NEXT year I'll be with you, guys. That's a promise. And sometimes I keep my promises.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

I got up early this morning, watched endless breakfast TV reports about police turning up at Michael Jackson's ranch with a warrant for his arrest, then went shopping. Whereupon I walked into Tescos at 9am to find they had the store muzak system on a permanent loop of Jacko singing "Smooth Criminal". It's this kind of humour which might just make me shift allegiance from Asda and shop with Mr Tesco more often. That, and the fact that they do a mean onion bagel.

Monday, November 10, 2003

You know the monarchy are in trouble when the birth of Paul McCartney's fourth baby gets more media coverage than the birth of Prince Edward's first.

Frankly it's amazing there are ANY royal babies these days, as apparently they're all gay.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

The emergency services have been to collect my poorly TV, which involved driving their little van across the grass to the bottom of my steps. Whereupon one of my neighbours came rushing out to inform us that driving a van across a piece of grass could break the water pipes underground. It's amazing the things you learn from an irate neighbour.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Although, on the bright side, I might actually get some of my new play written now.
My lovely widescreen TV has blown up. I may cry. I think I'm missing Bargain Hunt.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Okay, can someone please explain 'Ring 2' to me in words of one syllable? I didn't have time to be scared, I was too busy trying to work out what the heck was going on. I think it must have lost something in the translation.

Saturday, November 01, 2003

It takes a lot to scare me. After all, I've witnessed Julie Reinger doing the weather in a tangerine trouser suit, so frankly I've become hardened to the effects of audio visual horror. But keen to join in with the spirit of Halloween, I spent last night with the lights out, partly to deter the legalised mugging that is trick or treating, but mainly so I could sit in the dark and watch the original Japanese version of 'Ring'. The climax of the movie came 6th in Channel 4's 100 Greatest Scary Moments, beating the likes of 'Halloween' and 'Nightmare on Elm Street'. But I wasn't worried. It was consistently creepy and unsettling, but there were no cats jumping out from behind sofas at tense moments, or people being hacked to death with meat cleavers, so I knew I had nothing to worry about.

And then came the final scene.

I think I need counselling. How can something which involves no violence, and not a drop of blood, be so damn chilling? And more to the point, why haven't I learned from this experience? I plan to watch 'Ring 2' on video tonight.