Oh for god's sake Britain, what's wrong with you??? You weren't meant to evict Jon!!!!!! I know Cameron's a nice guy, but he's also an apprentice axe murderer, and he could never say "naughty tomato plants" in a comically pitched voice, or point out those all-important times when Big Brother ends a sentence with a preposition. Only Jon can do that, and for those reasons alone, he HAD to stay. There's simply no justice. I feel ashamed to be British. My only hope is that with the increased food budget, this newfound access to red meat and sharp knives might just be enough to push Cameron over the edge, and lead to a recreation of The Shining before the week's out.

In the meantime, if Jon doesn't have his own primetime network TV show by the end of the month, I'm writing to my MP.