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Friday, March 28, 2014

If, like me, you've often wondered what it would be like to clean up a crime scene after a violent and brutal attack, in the hope of covering your tracks, leaving no trace of your actions, and getting away with murder, then the good news is that I'm now in a position to tell you.

It's actually quite hard work. And you'll need a lot of kitchen roll.

Lisa and I went over to her Mum's flat last night to clean up the aftermath of her nose bleed. She left in a hurry (and an ambulance) on Sunday night, and didn't manage to wipe down any surfaces with Flash as she staggered about the place, leaking blood like a garden sprinkler. She's been staying with us ever since, and hasn't been back home, so naturally the place needed a bit of attention.

To be honest, it was a bit like episode ten of The Killing. The Bates Motel had less blood in the bathroom, and if you didn't know better, you'd assume there'd been some kind of frenzied slaying in the hallway. I know my mother-in-law had a nose bleed, but from the blood spatters all over the wall and floor, it looked like she'd been doing a bit of high-energy Zumba while she waited for the ambulance.

Fortunately, like all would-be murderers, Lisa and I had gone prepared with disposable rubber gloves and a myriad of cleaning products, and having spent an hour on the floor with cloths, chemicals and a steam cleaner, we were confident we'd got most of it up. At which point we locked up the flat, and noticed the blood on the front door. That's community spirit for you. The woman's been gone for five days, and there are bloody handprints on her letterbox, and yet nobody's phoned the police.

Anyhoo, in addition to carrying out crime scene investigations last night, Lisa and I also held an inquiry into Amelie's behaviour by attending a parents' evening at her school. And I'm pleased to say that the report was entirely positive. She might spend her time at home watching SpongeBob on the iPad with the hair of an 80s rocker and a boy who takes off his own trousers...

... but at school she's a model pupil. In fact she's a role-model pupil. They told us that the other children all look up to her. And not just because she's the tallest.

At the risk of blowing Amelie's trumpet (which would no doubt make her scream, shout, and tell me to get my own trumpet, as she snatches it back and storms off into her bedroom), we were told that our daughter's at the top of her game (which is the same as playing up) and despite being only halfway through the year, she's already at the stage where she could leave Reception class and move up. So possibly they just want to get rid of her.

She won't actually be going anywhere just yet, but they are attempting to come up with new challenges for her, as she's completed every one going, and the average class activity is beneath her. She's begun filling her spare time by examining the other children for nits and reporting back to the teacher, but they'd rather she does something more academic.

One thing they did request was that we take in any writing she does at home, as they're so impressed by her literacy, they want to incorporate it into her 'learning journey' at school. So I'm going to take in this note from Wednesday...

It's about the dangers of sitting on a mat close to shark-infested waters. I think the dog had the right idea.


Phil's Mum said...

Like I said, not EVERYTHING has gone wrong this week. Well done, Amelie! (We'll excuse her for her bolshie behaviour at home sometimes)

Peter Chapman said...

I wanna be her agent and i'll charge her 0.5% less of her future earnings than anyone else!

David East said...

I blame the parents.

Z said...

Somewhere between Edward Lear and Saki, I think. It's always been evident that Amelie will go far.

My birthday is in September, which meant I was the oldest in my year and so I, being reasonably bright, was moved up a year. You may well have a case for that, before Amelie has formed strong friendships in her present year group. However, her secondary school might then suggest she stays an extra year in the top class of her primary school, so you'd need to argue the point again then. But it can be done and might be worth it - she's such a bright girl, she needs children at or preferably higher than her level for stimulation.