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Sunday, November 30, 2014

The literary critic, Cyril Connolly, once wrote that "There is no more sombre enemy of good art than the pram in the hall". Presumably he kept his felt-tips by the front door and couldn't squeeze past. But to be honest, he had a point. I've already accepted that my new job means working an extra hour a day, unpaid, just to get the work done, which means that by the time the weekend comes around, I've seen so little of the children that I've forgotten what a nightmare they are, and want to spend two days with them. Which is not conducive to a productive literary career. I think this is why people write children's books. It's the only way of doing both.

Anyhoo, my blogging opportunities might be limited, but one person who's still capable of producing good art is Amelie's school photographer. We've just received the first photo of Year 1...


It's a definite improvement on last year...


I think she's grown out of that slightly crazed, fruit-loop expression, and passed it on to her brother...


That's Toby enjoying a nutritious lunch of hot dogs and white bread. He'd cleared his plate of vegetables by the time I took the photo.

No, really.

Anyhoo, this afternoon Amelie will be taking part in a musical theatre performance of Peter Pan. She's currently suffering from a heavy cold, so she sounds a bit like Ed Miliband, but fortunately she has a lot more charisma, which should hopefully carry her through. I took her and the lost boy down to the marina yesterday morning to kick off some method acting by looking for pirates, after which we all headed over to Hove for the dress rehearsal.

With Amelie safely deposited at Neverland, Lisa and I took Toby down the road to the nearest park for two hours of running, climbing, sliding and making friends with gangs of small children. Him, not us. Despite not having had his lunchtime nap, he kept up the pace all afternoon...


... and when the sun came down, and the rest of the world had gone home, he was still refusing to leave...


But sadly for Toby, his parents had to be somewhere else, and it was vital we weren't late. So as the temperature dropped and the moon rose, we dragged him off to Caffè Nero for a bit of spooning...


Toby's just out of shot, fiddling while Lisa burns the roof of her mouth.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Holy mother of God...


... and in front of her is my daughter. I thought she was dressed as the lamb of God, but as it transpires, that's just her normal winter attire. She was required to wear it for her Year 1 assembly this morning, not because the school's heating had broken down, but because it's the perfect attire for an ice dance...


That video was taken by someone with a very loose grasp of aspect ratio. And a very tight grip on their iPhone.

Anyhoo, today is Thanksgiving, and despite not being present for Amelie's assembly, I'm thankful that I have the best family ever in the world...


And I'm not the only one who thinks so. Love ya, Gardners. xxx

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Forty thousand years ago, when Racquel Welch was prancing about in a fur bikini, and washable pens had yet to be invented, prehistoric artists would document the bold endeavours of their fellow hunter-gatherers by painting elaborate pictures on cave walls. Well, I'm pleased to report that those days are not over. You might think the modern world is full of two-year-olds with iPads...


... but I'm telling you now, that boy's no stranger to drawing on walls. Or fridges. And occasionally soft furnishings.

But whilst Toby's art is more abstract expressionism (and basic scribbling), Amelie is currently maintaining the neanderthal tradition by documenting our lives with pen and paper. Which is what the cavemen would have done if they'd had access to Blu-tac.

So having witnessed her father braving the vicious crowds of sabre-toothed shoppers at Asda yesterday morning in an effort to bring home the bacon and provide for his family, Amelie has produced this pictorial evidence of my adventures...


Obviously she forgot to draw me, but other than that, it's entirely accurate. On the left we have the entrance and exit, complete with checkout manned by a bloke who appears to be trapped in some kind of time-warp between an Elizabethan ruff and a chip & pin machine, whilst on the right we have the various aisles. Spelt phonetically as 'il's. Our shopping trip consisted of the toy aisle, the sweet aisle and the drinks aisle, which between them provide everything you need to survive family life. Although when I first saw the picture, I misread that last one, and thought she'd grassed me up for buying Pringles.

The one thing we didn't buy yesterday was clothes, but that was because Lisa had already splashed out on a new dress for our six-year-old daughter...


She got that from Next. And it's for age 10. I've checked our family tree for evidence of gigantism, but concluded that we've just been feeding her too much.

Still, as long as we can avoid shrinkage due to excessive moisture exposure, it should last her until she's seven...


Or possibly until next week.

Monday, November 17, 2014

It's nice to see that two weeks after starting the new job, Amelie's pictures are beginning to reflect the fact that I now wear a tie to work most days...


As well as a stripy vest and no trousers. I should also point out that in real life, Lisa doesn't have horns. They're more of a visual representation of character. Or possibly it's a bow. She does, however, like to wear clothes that big herself up.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

The art exhibition was a triumph...


I think the monster's the one on the left. The far left. And I wouldn't fancy anyone's chances in a fight against my daughter. But all of that aside, it's undoubtedly a masterpiece, and would grace the wall of any major art gallery. Admittedly, as a family, we don't have a great track record in the purchase of fine art, and are generally more likely to buy something from Tate & Lyle than the Tate, but the fact remains that I'd be happy to pay good money for that picture. Although fortunately I don't have to, as I'm related to the artist.

Sadly, I couldn't make Amelie's art exhibition myself as I had something better to do, but I heard it was very good. Or I would have done if I'd had my phone on. I've actually spent the week travelling around London from Wimbledon to Waterloo (and back again), before ending up here on Thursday...


That's the Fulham Road in Chelsea, the location for my Trust induction day, which taught me numerous things, chief amongst them being the fact that the Royal Marsden coat of arms features a unicorn standing on a crab because we're trying to stamp out cancer. I don't think they were winding me up. I also enjoyed the talk about radiation poisoning, which taught me that pilots are all slightly radioactive because they spend their lives closer to the sun. Or something. I'll mention that to Big Sis, and buy her a Geiger counter for Christmas.

While I've been working hard for a living, Toby's been busy planking on a foldable table...


... and Amelie's been congratulating him on his efforts...


'Hir' means 'here'. I hope that's clir.

To be honest, the boy's rarely upright...


He's bed-bound and loving it. I'm doing twelve-hour working days to pay for him to lounge around in his monkey pyjamas. Either he starts producing saleable art pretty quickly, or he'll be on the next bus to Jobcentre Plus.

Saturday, November 08, 2014

I think this is how Banksy started...


Give it twenty years and she'll be having her artwork scrubbed out by Clacton council.

Sadly, I won't be able to make the exhibition, as I'm due to meet the Chief Exec in London at 4pm. So I'll be busy making an exhibition of myself. But the good news is that whilst a picture may paint a thousand words, Amelie's developing the ability to do both. At the beginning of term, her handwriting looked like this...


We were quite pleased with that. She wasn't quite six yet, and although she was only required to write the letter 'C', she'd actually come up with a sentence. And a hackneyed old cliché.

But two months is a long time in the world of child development. When we had our first Year 1 parents' evening a few weeks ago, the teachers said they were pushing Amelie to achieve her maximum potential, and frankly they weren't making it up. In eight weeks, she's gone from one simple sentence to this...


Her handwriting's more legible than mine, and she's drawn an arrow to direct the reader towards page 2, where she expands her themes even further...


I think she's talking about a fruit tea ring there. The maid must be Lisa, and the mouse is clearly me. As for Toby, he was mentioned on the previous page.