After years spent wondering if she'd ever stay in one country long enough to say "I do", Big Sis is now married. And has just left the country again. Possibly to avoid being shown up by 'The Great Big Benefits Wedding: Live' which is scheduled for Tuesday on Channel 5, and is likely to prove that she didn't need to spend more than three hundred quid on a cake.
Obviously the key to a successful wedding is to invite the right people, so Amelie and Toby were first on the guest list, and brightening up proceedings with the kind of calm, dignified reverence that befits a life-changing religious ceremony...
I failed to get any footage of Toby dancing down the aisle, but I feel sure it was what Big Sis had in mind when she said she didn't want children at her wedding.
Unfortunately for Big Sis, the Gardners come as a package, and much as Lisa and I would have loved to spend the day like this...
... our foolish life choices meant that we were never far away from a couple of troublesome wedding crashers...
On the plus side, we had the pleasure of spending the previous night in a high class hotel with its own sauna and steam room. Unfortunately they were located in room 216 of the Devizes Travelodge, with no off switch, and a window that not even a stick insect could get through. Alarm bells should have rung when the receptionist pointed us towards the lift with the words "There's a fan on the shelf just inside the door". I can only assume that room 216 is situated directly above room 666 where they burn the sinful souls of Premier Inn guests in the fiery furnace of hell. Either that or the boiler room.
Anyhoo, Lisa had the pleasure of drying her hair three times on Thursday morning as the sweat poured straight out of her brain, and we were eventually forced to evacuate into the car park in our slippers to avoid passing out from the intense heat. But other than that, our preparations went well. Apart from Toby scattering bits of muffin all over the carpet and spilling his drink on the bed. The nice part was bumping into other wedding guests who told us that they knew we'd arrived the previous evening as they'd heard our children through the bedroom walls. I wouldn't mind, but they weren't all on the same floor. Some weren't even in the same hotel.
The good news is that in the space of a few hours we shed enough pounds to fit into our wedding clothes, and despite dangerous levels of dehydration, we made it to St James' church on time and took our places in the second row...
Amelie had an important role to play, which will surely stand her in good stead for her future career as a Ring Girl (it's encouraging for feminists everywhere that Wikipedia has a page devoted to that job)...
... and my Dad successfully walked his daughter down the aisle and happily offloaded her with a major sense of relief...
With the 'I Dos' done and the rings exchanged without the help of a ring girl...
... we left the painful memories of the Devizes Travelodge behind us and journeyed into the countryside to the far more exclusive (and slightly cooler) surroundings of the Manor House Hotel in Castle Combe. One night's stay costs about a week's salary, but fortunately I wasn't paying, so I was more than happy to take advantage of the facilities by stuffing myself with free food and stealing enough shampoo to last me a lifetime. It was a 50ml bottle.
To be honest, the wedding breakfast portions could have been three times bigger and still counted as snacks, and if you were Jewish, you'd have passed out from malnutrition at the evening buffet, but the breakfast the next morning more than made up for any shortcomings, and allowed me to put on a stone in less than half an hour.
In addition to my stomach, I left with a slightly larger head, following some kind comments about my wedding speech...
Although if you're doing an audio-visual presentation at a wedding, it's a good idea to remember not to walk in front of the projector every time you reach for a glass of water.
The first dance was equally well received...
And in fact, Big Sis didn't put a foot wrong all day. She was the most beautiful bride since Lisa, and didn't stop smiling from the moment she walked into the church to the moment she staggered off the dance floor. Although apparently she was still texting my Mum after midnight, so clearly something went wrong somewhere.
Congratulations, Big Sis. We all love you very much. xxx
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