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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Well the good news from the weekend is that I can now confirm that my new smoke alarms work. And I have Lisa to thank for that discovery. If she hadn't ignored my advice not to turn the grill up to its maximum setting, and then followed that up by ignoring my suggestion that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to leave it unattended and sit on the sofa watching X-Factor, we'd never have been able to test my new fire alarm system with the billowing cloud of black smoke produced by her flaming cheese on toast.

Unfortunately, as I stood on a stool maniacally flapping a copy of TV Choice at the smoke detector, I forgot to actually thank Lisa for her efforts, but I think she knew I was grateful. She did try to blame me for the bruise which appeared on her nose the next morning, but frankly in the cut and thrust of a fire extinguishing exercise, people are going to get hurt. Yes, I may have hit her over the head with the TV guide, but it wasn't my fault. It was hard to see her through the smoke.

Anyhoo, when I'm not washing the smell of burnt toast out of my clothes, I'm busy scouring the local paper for job opportunities. And here's one hot off the press of the Brighton Argus. It's clearly a prestige position, where only the right candidate will do, so come with me now and play What's My Line...

"We need to recruit additional [job title] to join our well established team. These are temporary positions. This is a very demanding and important role and one where only the best will do. Just some of the qualities you will need are:

  • The ability to sit comfortably and talk enthusiastically for a minimum of three hours.

  • Be jovial, sensitive, caring and have some experience of talking to children.

  • Flexibility with working days and times is required.

  • Full training at our school will be given.

  • All successful applicants will have to undergo full reference checks.

  • You must be a non smoker."

Demanding... important... a training school... Obviously it's some kind of senior social work position requiring extensive counselling skills. But the best bit is this:

"If you have the personality and stamina to be one of our team, please write or e-mail in the first instance, giving your career details."

CAREER DETAILS??? What do they expect? "I've worked for twenty years as the Easter Bunny, and feel it's time for a step up"???

Oh, I think I might have given away the answer there.