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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...


But if you're on a public beach with your sister, you're free to fire at will. Fortunately, Toby's about as aimless as his mother, and couldn't hit a barn door from ten paces, so I was probably at more risk of being injured than Amelie.

Anyhoo, since Boxing Day evening, my family and I have been holed-up in St Leonards, eating everything we can lay our hands on. We've been joined on this gastronomic adventure by both my siblings and their respective loved ones, but to be honest, none of them have eaten as much as I have. I'm single-handedly illustrating the diabetes time bomb.

On the plus side, the fact that everyone was here meant they could all contribute to my Christmas present, which this year was a cloud...

I wanted nine, but I only got one. Obviously I've had my own personal cloud for quite some time, but it's been more like Perkin's in that episode of The Flumps. This one will enable me to access photos of myself from anywhere in the world, which can only be a good thing.

Sadly, I'm not contributing much to that store at the moment, as I was so busy packing my camera batteries, battery charger and camera-PC link lead, that I forgot to pack my camera. So I'm restricted to taking selfies with my iPhone...


I'm an elf service manager, so I'm expected to wear clothes like that.

Amongst the highlights of the festive season was of course mine and Amelie's performance of 'Love is an Open Door', which was not only a musical triumph, but also demonstrated that Amelie really needs a microphone if she's going to stand any chance of being heard above the foghorn voice of her father. She was drowned out for most of the song by the sheer force of my personality. I was like George Michael to her Andrew Ridgeley. Video footage of the event was posted online without my permission, and I'm currently pursuing legal channels to have it removed, but in the meantime I'm optimistic that we'll be on Britain's Got Talent in the spring.

Big Sis and her sidekick went home on Sunday, but the rest of us battled on into yesterday, enjoying a trip to the De La Warr Pavilion in Bexhill...


The pensioners on the prom are my parents, and the girl with cold ankles my niece. The old man is my brother. The rest of my family were busy throwing stones at each other, just out of shot. Personally I was keen to experience a bit of culture, but the only person who wanted to see the art with me was Amelie, and I wasn't keen on answering her questions.

We did venture inside the pavilion for an ice cream, but having seen the prices, we soon ventured back out again and headed down the road (and down market) to the nearby Poppins restaurant, where I fought Toby for a banana boat, and Amelie texted all her friends with pictures of her milkshake...


We did lose my Dad for half an hour, after he gave us the slip and made a break for it down Bexhill high street, but we soon located him, and dragged him back inside, where he was forced to endure a cheap sausage roll with the rest of us.

Tonight, however, it's me and Lisa who will be making a bid for freedom. I've promised her an all-expenses-paid trip to Pizza Express on the proceeds from my new job. Not my salary, obviously, but the Clubcard points from my petrol. It seemed like the least I could do.

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