NaNoWriMo Day: 30
Words Written: 50,132
Words Remaining: 0

Oh yes indeed. As losers such as myself are fond of saying, "I'm a winner". After a day of intensive beavering, my novel's been officially validated, and what's more I've got the certificate to prove it, which I've downloaded, printed out, and will be handing out at Christmas, along with a copy of my novel, to numerous people who don't want it but will be forced to accept it (and that means you, Melee). Hurrah!

The 50,000 word target may have been reached (god only knows how), but the novel's not actually finished, so it'll be another week before I'm able to accept the inevitable bids from publishers, but if you're so inclined you can read the first ten chapters here. That's if I've posted them all by the time you read this. Which I won't have done. So don't bother frankly.

Anyhoo I'm limiting it to ten chapters for reasons of self-control, which is a shame really, because I feel the novel doesn't reach its high point until chapter 13 when Mirkin says:

"It’s high time to rattle and roll,
The scenario’s out of control,
It's just not my day,
I’m running away,
From six postmen, a slut, and a troll."

And the clairvoyant bear doesn't put in an appearance until chapter 15. So I may be forced to reconsider. But for now I'm sticking with ten.

Anyhoo, yesterday's parcel did indeed turn out to be my Christmas present, and what's more I was allowed (forced?) to open it there and then. It turned out to be a new digital camera, which is exciting in the extreme, not least because it suggests Lisa must have come into some money without telling me. But it's lovely, and I'm very grateful. Even if Lisa won't let me post a photo of her here.

Christmas over, we went to the Beautiful South concert in the evening, which was very good. That's if you're the sort of person who enjoys being sat next to the only nutter in the building for two hours. And I don't mean Lisa.

My suspicions were first aroused when the woman seated to my left, who appeared to be on her own (I wonder why?), started doing some intricate hand movements to the support act, 'A Girl Called Eddy', who played nothing but bluesy down-tempo folk music to which it was impossible to dance. Lisa and I decided she must be a personal friend of Eddy, thus explaining her enthusiasm for the music, and chose not to let it bother us.

At least not until the support act was over, when Ms Nutter decided to engage me in conversation. It was a little difficult to follow the precise thread of the woman's statement, since every other word began with 'f' and ended with 'king', but she helpfully added some two-fingered gestures at the point where she lamented the lack of respect given to Beautiful South fans, so those combined with the frequent expletives gave me the gist of her opinion on those who criticise her. She also informed me that her 17 year old daughter was sitting four rows behind us, and that she thought the support band were 'f'ing brilliant. We discussed at length the article in that evening's Brighton Argus, then, as the lights went down, my new friend warned me that she'd come here to enjoy herself and might therefore get a bit excited.

Thank god for the warning. As the Beautiful South struck up their first chord, my seated neighbour began a dance routine which consisted of bouncing up and down in her seat, waving her arms around, pointing a lot, and turning around to gesticulate at her daughter (who was presumeably hiding her face and claiming not to know the woman four rows in front).

Interestingly, this lady had a large bruise on the side of her face, which I had thought was a sign of domestic violence, but soon realised must have been self-inflicted at a previous concert. Personally I was leaning as far into Lisa as possible to avoid serious injury myself, as the flailing arms threatened to either blind me or leave me with major internal injuries. Lisa wasn't helping much by dissolving into fits of laughter every two minutes. Personally I was too scared to laugh.

After an hour of being the only person in the whole seated area doing anything more than toe-tapping, Ms Nutter heard the opening bars of 'Perfect 10', whereupon she turned to me, said "Oh f**k it, I've had enough of this f***ing b*ll*cks" and got to her feet, where she attempted a recreation of Ricky Gervais' classic dance from The Office.

I began to fear for my life, but fortunately a member of security arrived at this point and led her away by the arm. We didn't see her again after that, but I'm sure her daughter was thrilled. There's nothing better when you're 17 than seeing your mother dragged off by security at a pop concert.

NaNoWriMo Day: 29
Words Written: 42,445
Words Remaining: 7,555

It's the penultimate day of NaNoWriMo (which is why I'm so obviously close to finishing my novel - 7,555 words in 24 hours - piece o' cake), but far more important than that, it's also mine and Lisa's 6 month anniversary. Half a year. Which means I've now spent approximately 1.6% of my life with Lisa. She's spent slightly less than that with me, but that's because she was born in a different decade.

I believe the 1/2 year anniversary is polystyrene, which would explain the parcel which arrived this afternoon, and which I've been banned from touching before Lisa returns from work. So naturally I've given it a good shake and held it up to the light, and I feel confident it's my Christmas present. So I'll be insisting on having that later, on the grounds that it's almost December.

This evening The Beautiful South are playing at the Brighton Centre in honour of our anniversary (presumeably), so we'll be going along to that. I hear that Fatboy Slim's going too, so I plan to corner him and Zoe in the interval and ask them the secret of their happy relationship. I might take my laptop too and write a chapter of my novel during the songs I don't know.

It's been a fab six months anyway. I think I struck lucky for the first time in my life.

NaNoWriMo Day: 28
Words Written: 41,168
Words Remaining: 8,832

Obviously when it comes to 30-day novelling, the time to take a weekend off is two days before the end, when you've still got 9,000 words to write. But I still feel strangely confident. Possibly because if I look like falling short of the target come Tuesday night, I plan to cheat and include all the words I've written on my blog this month to push me over the 50,000 word finish line.

But anyhoo, I put the novel aside yesterday to make my way down to Brighton Marina, where Lisa and I successfully met the friend from London who had failed to make it past the wreckage of stricken lorries on the M25 two weeks ago. It was worth the wait, as we had a nice lunch, during which the friend and I decided that Lisa and I should take up ballroom dancing in the new year. I quite like the look of the Jive on Strictly Come Dancing. I've been inspired by Aled Jones. And according to this friend (who travels the world dancing with dodgy men), it's a good way to lose weight.

So with that in mind, I ordered the toffee cheesecake and then went back to Lisa's flat for chocolate eclairs.

Today I've been reunited with my two playmates from Friday, who sadly failed to assist me with a chapter of my novel. I did however manage to play a game in which Tweety Pie joined forces with Clifford the Big Red Dog to form an axis of evil which succeeded in defeating the mother from The Incredibles (who came free with a Happy Meal). We then watched Fungus the Bogeyman whilst stuffing ourselves with fruit pastilles. It beats being a writer any day.

NaNoWriMo Day: 26
Words Written: 40,929
Words Remaining: 9,071

In a shock of gargantuan proportions, I've actually managed to do a bit of writing today, whilst simultaneously providing quality daycare for Lisa's two nephews, one of whom spent the afternoon attempting to distract me by eating Lisa's make-up, so that I'd leave my laptop unattended, enabling him to rush over to the sofa and attempt the mass deletion of my novel. He's clearly a budding literary critic. I got my own back however, by writing him into chapter eighteen as a variety act called 'The Human Dustbin'.

A couple of hours later and big brother returned from school, allowing me to pass a few relaxing hours chasing him with a cuddly hamster and attempting to do colouring-in with nothing but a biro, before the brothers realised they could join forces and both ride me around the living room.

Lisa's role in all of this was to disappear off to see 'Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason' as part of a girls' night out, on which I was not allowed to go for reasons of gender discrimination. So she's out on a Friday night enjoying herself, while I'm at home with the children. Just a little glimpse of the future there methinks.

As for last night, we successfully sat through the first public showing of Lorraine's holiday video, whilst stuffing ourselves with trifle and quiche. I ate twice as much as everyone else in an attempt to recreate the authentic feeling of queasiness I'd be likely to experience on a cruise, and came away feeling more than a little fat, prompting Lisa to propose a wager of £5 this morning that she can lose half a stone quicker than I can lose a stone. The bet's on, so watch this space.

Oh, and I must just say a thank you to Lorraine for my holiday gift - a diver's watch, bought on the cruise ship. Which beats a stick of rock any day. Though personally it wouldn't fill me with confidence to know that the crew of the ship are flogging waterproof watches. I'd be making for the lifeboats immediately.

NaNoWriMo Day: 25
Words Written: 39,069
Words Remaining: 10,931

Ah yes, a grand total of 249 words in two days signals the fact that I'm back in Brighton. And what's more I'm about to be reunited with Oscar, the white haired chap that Lisa and I managed to keep alive for 11 days last month, despite not being 100% sure which part of his body we were meant to be rubbing suntan cream into.

In addition we're being treated (some would use that word loosely, but not me) to a viewing of Lorraine's holiday video from the cruise she took while I was greasing her cat's ears and answering her phone to dodgy men. Apparently the video includes footage of Lorraine swimming with dolphins, but knowing Lorraine as I do, and taking into account the fact that the cruise set off from Florida, I'm assuming it's the Miami Dolphins football team, and probably features more oiled muscles than fins.

While I'm here, can I just put in a request for someone to explain the new Norwich Union car insurance advert to me? Having become sick to death with the one where Craig Cash (of Royle Family fame) tells us that Norwich Union quoted him happy, which was handy because he then "ran into an old friend in town", doing a certain amount of damage, Mr 'Anything For' Cash is now back with a new advert. However, in this one he's even happier because he announces that he's just been given two months free cover for having 4 years no claims bonus.

So how does that work then? Was the previous advert set four years earlier? Or is Craig blatantly lying about his claims record to the happy quoting fools at Norwich Union? I'm very confused.

NaNoWriMo Day: 23
Words Written: 38,820
Words Remaining: 11,180

My NaNoWriMo t-shirt arrived today. Yes, when it comes to writing 50,000 word novels in a month, I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Obviously I look fab in it, but unfortunately I can't post a picture of myself wearing said item on account of the fact that 30-day novelling has turned me into an unsightly sloth. I'm stuffed full of bagels, I haven't been exposed to natural light since last Tuesday, and my beard's longer than the hair on my head.

So I'm fat, pale and hairy, and frankly you don't want to see it.

But here's an accurate representation of my t-shirt on a slimmer, less stressed person...



I'd also like to use this opportunity to criticise the entire UK mail order industry. I ordered my shirt online on Thursday night, from the suppliers in America, and was offered four delivery options. Being a skinflint with a lot of patience, I naturally rejected such fancy notions as air mail, overnight couriers, or first class, and went for the cheapest option, which mentioned the word "Economy" and cost about £3.

That was Thursday night, and my t-shirt made it here from Ohio for 7am the following Tuesday. Why can't we do that in this country?

Anyhoo, I started work at 11am this morning, and by 4:30pm I'd successfully written 400 words. Yes, you're right, it is impressive. Clearly producing 6,800 words in two days had drained me a tad. Although I did manage to negate the evil effects of yesterday's triple six by naming the southern grasslands in my novel The Lords Prairie.

But a quick phonecall to Lisa's aunt this evening, whose idea of a joke it was to tell me that Lisa was out with her boyfriend at the time (they're nothing but trouble that family), perked me up sufficiently to make it to 2,150 odd words for the day.

To write 50,000 words in 30 days I'm supposed to average 1,667 words a day. Which means by the end of day 23 I should be on 38,341 words. And that, dear reader, means I'm currently 479 words ahead of schedule.

Which is handy, because it means by this time tomorrow I'll only be 1,188 behind.

NaNoWriMo Day: 22
Words Written: 36,666
Words Remaining: 13,334

I admit I was slightly unsettled when I stopped writing at 9pm, clicked the word count button, and saw quite so many sixes. I expect it's payback for all my references to the YMCA in my novel (that's the Young Mountaineers Cheese Association, if you're wondering).

Obviously I had to stop on the dot of 9pm as the new series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here' is on and it's important to get your priorities right, though I was slightly confused when I mis-heard the word 'elements' at the start of the show and thought Ant said the celebs "have had to live with the elephants". Mind you, they are gonna have to raise the stakes for the next series, so you never know.

NaNoWriMo Day: 21
Words Written: 34,008
Words Remaining: 15,992

I was reading the blog of a fellow NaNoWriMo participant this morning. Scott, a 31 year old software engineer from Seattle, who likes soccer and hiking, happened to mention that on Wednesday 10th November, having been at work all day, he got home late, sat down at 8pm feeling exhausted, and wrote 1600 words of his novel in 41 minutes.

I hate Scott from Seattle.

I'm not even sure I can type that fast.

But it did inspire me to my most productive novelling day so far, writing 4,000 words, which is about an hour and a half's work for Scott. Though his novel probably features fewer clairvoyant bears and runaway yetis.

I'm still slightly behind schedule, but my aim is to be right back on track by this time on Tuesday, so that I can head down to Brighton for the rest of the month, safe in the knowledge that I can blame any subsequent failure on Lisa.

NaNoWriMo Day: 20
Words Written: 29,887
Words Remaining: 20,113

I'm proud to say I didn't watch a single minute of Children in Need last night. I'm even prouder to say it was because I was busy writing my novel (and talking to Lisa on the phone, but that doesn't sound so impressive). I can't watch Children in Need without being reminded of Friday, 24th November 1988, when I broke my ankle and was forced to lie on the sofa in agony watching seven hours of tedious fundraising. I'm not sure if the agony was due to the ankle or the TV coverage. And before you ask, no I didn't break my ankle doing a sponsored parachute jump for Children in Need. I was actually walking out of a Home Economics lesson at the time (strange but true). If it had happened ten years later I'd have felt obliged to sue the school for not gritting the path, and made my fortune. So many missed opportunities...

Anyhoo, I don't really need to make my fortune from frivolous law suits when there are frivolous TV shows I can bet on instead. Not content with winning £13 on the horses this afternoon (well one horse -I'm choosy with my gambling) I made more than twice that on a mare of a different kind by shamelessly betting on which dodgy musical act would be voted off the X Factor tonight.

Which is handy, because it's paid for me to go and see those self same dodgy musical acts perform live. Yes, it's true - Lisa and I have tickets for the X Factor tour at The Brighton Centre in February. Told you I was shameless.

NaNoWriMo Day: 19
Words Written: 26,818
Words Remaining: 23,182

Moral dilemma of the day:

Is it acceptable for someone to use my writing as part of a high school language course without telling me?

And more to the point, without giving me large wadges of cash?

Well ok, forget the cash, I'm not in this for the money. If I was, I'd have got out years ago. But I digress...

I've just checked my website referral stats to find that I'm suddenly receiving numerous hits from the Emporia High School in Emporia (the clue was in the title), which is in Kansas, corn capital of the US.

It turns out that if you're a member of Ms Cutrell's Language Arts class, then your homework assignment this week is to read through my micro fiction.

And they say educational standards are slipping.

If George W Bush had received this kind of quality education in English literature, the world might not be in the state it's in now. But with Ms Cutrell's fine selection of source material, I'm sure the country can only go from strength to strength. And I'm taking full credit for the improvement.

Right across America (well, Emporia) eager young minds are thirsting for knowledge, reaching out to be educated... and then arriving at my website to read stories about wardrobes, pigs, and cross-dressing blondes. It's entirely possible I could be inspiring a whole new generation here. Though quite what I'm inspiring them to do, I'm not sure. But it's an honour all the same.

Now stop reading this, and go and do your homework before your father gets home.

NaNoWriMo Day: 18
Words Written: 26,235
Words Remaining: 23,765

I was slightly miffed today to receive the news that after careful consideration, the Sussex Playwrights Club have decided, on balance, that they'd prefer not to hand over great wadges of cash for the right to stage my last play.

But fortunately I still have my gambling addiction to fall back on, and anyone who read this post a couple of weeks ago would, like me, have lumped on Patches in the 3:00 at Wincanton this afternoon. He was barely out of hospital after a breathing operation (I'm not calling them wind operations any more), but he made it off the recovery ward in time to show up at the racecourse and romp to victory as expected. It was a triumph, not just for me, but also for anyone trying to give up smoking. (Thanks go to Lisa for that bad joke).

NaNoWriMo Day: 17
Words Written: 25,361
Words Remaining: 24,639

I've successfully passed the halfway point of my novel, which is a psychological shot in the arm, not just for me, but for everyone who's bored with me talking about it. And what's more I still had time to slag off Ben Folds on the phone to my pal Helen, who bought me the concert tickets for my birthday. She said she hopes Ben doesn't die before June. I said if he does, I want tickets to his funeral. That was about as sympathetic as it got.

NaNoWriMo Day: 16
Words Written: 22,686
Words Remaining: 27,314

I wrote 1,906 words this morning. Not of my novel, obviously - this is me we're talking about - but rather in numerous e-mails about the health of Ben Folds (formerly of Ben Folds Five fame, now of very little fame at all), who has decided (outrageously, in my opinion) to cancel his Cambridge concert next week, for which I've had tickets since JULY, due to him feeling a bit under the weather.

Not as under the weather as I felt when I heard the news late last night, I can assure you.

So the fact that Lisa and I have organised our entire month around our attendance of this concert, with Lisa booking time off work many weeks in advance, and me leaving Brighton yesterday a day early, safe in the knowledge that I'll be back there on Sunday to pick her up for this musical extravaganza, means NOTHING to the short balding piano player, who is apparently suffering from exhaustion.

Driving down to Brighton and back, then to Cambridge and back, then back down to Brighton, all in the space of four days, is clearly less tiring than sitting at a piano and warbling a bit.

Not that I'm bitter at all.

Oh, by the way, did I say the concert has been cancelled? It hasn't. It's been postponed. Marvellous. Postponed until the middle of June 2005.

But hey, at least we've still got tickets to go and see Paul Weller in Brighton next Thursday.

Well, we would have if he hadn't gone and cancelled too, claiming to be suffering from laryngitis. What is it with these malingering popstars??? Haven't they heard of vitamin C???

NaNoWriMo Day: 15
Words Written: 21,862
Words Remaining: 28,138

It's interesting the number of words I can write by 4pm providing Lisa's been at work since 8:30am. Statisticians would say there's a correlation there. Anyhoo, having met Lisa for lunch at the dodgy pub which doesn't sell Bacardi, but which is now claiming to sell 69 different varieties of rum (eh?), we're meeting in half an hour to go for dinner at an establishment known as 'Pinocchios'. Lisa should fit right in, as she's still trying to claim that the only reason she didn't beat me in 'The Great British Pop Quiz' on Saturday night was because she made an honest mistake on the T-Rex question and accidentally chose 'drum' when she knew all along that 'gong' was the right answer. I'll be watching her nose with interest tonight.

Oh, and yes, I know that I'm now officially half way through NaNoWriMo, and therefore should have written 25,000 words, but I'm pretending I haven't noticed.

NaNoWriMo Day: 14
Words Written: 20,208
Words Remaining: 29,792

What you really need when you're running an hour late for a lunch date is a phone call cancelling the whole thing. And as unlikely as it sounds, that's what we got, thanks to a tanker which decided to have a lie down on the M25, shutting it completely for the day. Did I mention that the friend we were due to meet was coming all the way from London? Oh, well she was. Until the tanker incident anyway. But she had a nice day out on the M25 in the sunshine, so it wasn't a wasted effort for her.

Lisa and I, meanwhile, took the unexpected opportunity to go and visit another friend and her newborn baby. Our 1pm lunch date cancelled, we realised we now had plenty of time to get ready, so having told the friend we'd be there at 2:30pm, we duly made it there for 3:25pm.

We followed that up with a visit to Lisa's uncle and aunt. The aunt was foolish enough to ask about my writing, so I gave her the rundown on my novel. She won't be making that mistake again. In the end she had to give me an apple turnover to shut me up. But it was very nice, so it made all those hours of writing worthwhile.

And yes, you're right, I HAVE had a successful day's novelling - 150 odd words (literally). That's a 1500% increase on yesterday. I'm picking up the pace like nobody's business.