Well I'm back in Brighton, but sadly just for a long weekend. If only the British flat-buying process was as quick as the Thai legal system. To be honest I was lucky to get here alive, having driven across the Dartford Bridge on Friday afternoon with my eyes permanently on the river below, trying to do a bit of whale-watching at 50mph. Sadly I didn't see any large mammals thrashing about in the water, but it did remind me to ask Lisa if she's taking her bikini to America next month.

Having arrived safely, I spent Friday evening trying to conquer a castle with the help of a plastic dinosaur, only to be foiled by a two-year-old armed with a mole. I feel I would have done better if I hadn't listened to Nephew #1 who insisted I scale the ramparts in front of the mole's bedroom window, and try to breathe fire through the drawbridge. I don't think I'll play that game again.

On Saturday, Lisa and I made our way into town, where we successfully got a refund for my dead MP3 player, spent £30 on some visitor parking permits, and bought a suitcase for Lisa's bikini. We're due to head off to my Big Sis's house in Texas in just 12 days time, so we're naturally both keen to get into shape for our holiday, hence Lisa's purchase of Paul McKenna's mighty tome 'I Can Make You Thin'. It comes complete with a mind-altering CD, so having abandoned Lisa's mother in front of the snooker in the living room for half an hour, we settled down for some deep breathing and self-hypnosis. Personally I felt the subliminal weight loss messages were just beginning to get through to my subconcious mind, when Lisa's Mum shouted through the door "Phil, do you want a biscuit?". Which is perhaps not the best thing to ask in the middle of a mind-altering slimming CD. I've been craving custard creams ever since.

On the bright side however, I did find out on Saturday that the Brighton branch of Poundland have excelled themselves. Back in May I discovered that you can buy a pregnancy testing kit for a pound. Well no more. Now you can a twin pack of pregnancy testing kits for a pound. And they come complete with disposable plastic cups for you to collect your sample. So at 50p a go, and plastic cups included, they're clearly designed for people who don't have a pot to piss in. Naturally I bought one. You can't pass up a bargain like that.

I spent Sunday morning in bed with a bit of crumpet, which was very nice. Lisa had grilled it to within an inch of its life, but hey, if you find your bloke in bed with his lips around a greasy tart, you're going to ask a few questions. After that, we were invited out by Lisa's sister, brother-in-law and three nephews for an evening out in Newhaven at a pub/restaurant called The Drove. Naturally we went by car. Although apparently people are abandoning the place in... um... large numbers. Anyhoo, a nice time was had by all, and I was able to chat at length to Nephew #1 who was keen to fill me in on his day. It turned out he'd been to the video game shop to exchange his unwanted games, in particular 'Devil May Cry 2', which, he informed me, was rubbish, difficult to play, no fun at all, and a complete waste of money. So I asked him what he'd swapped it for. Answer: 'Devil May Cry 3'. I'm sure there's some kind of logic there.