I realise there's nothing more dull than other people's dreams, but last night I dreamt I was in a helicopter crash with the Queen and six guide dogs for the blind. Explain that.

Anyhoo, I lead a rich and interesting life, so yesterday I removed all the hair from Lisa's hairbrush, and made a wig for my bendy Homer. Time well spent I think.

After that, Lisa's gay friend 'L' came round with three bottles of wine, dropped tobacco on my carpet, rummaged through my CD collection, challenged me to a game of darts, lost, then got drunk, used the phrase "boring c**t", and walked off with my jacket.

To be honest, I've had better days.