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Tuesday, April 02, 2013

One of my main goals for 2013 is to get Amelie to the top of the leaderboard on The Burgess Hill Uncovered Red Rope Pyramid Climb Challenge. Unfortunately, with a quarter of the year gone, her training's not going well...

She's got some basic speed, but let's face it, anyone who shouts "Help!" when they're two rungs from the ground is going to struggle to reach the top of anything, never mind a leaderboard. Although I'm still hopeful she can beat the ascension of Jesus.

In the meantime, I'm diverting my investment of time away from her climbing skills and towards her training as a pole dancer...

I think there's a lot more money to be made. And I'm attempting to expand the routine by getting a toddler to run in on cue to the words "Oh baby, baby, baby". I'm not sure if the act's more suited to Spearmint Rhino or Britain's Got Talent, but either way, it's got legs. Although they keep running towards the ice cream.

Anyhoo, I've spent a lot of today in the back of a van next to a pot-hole on a lonely country road in mid-Sussex, looking at a broken fundus camera. But it hasn't all been fun. I've also discovered that if you're going to spend a bank holiday weekend removing all the sofa covers and washing them carefully to remove every stain, it's probably best not to do it at Easter when the house is full of chocolate. They were clean for about three hours before the hand prints appeared.

Mind you, it could be worse. I could be gaining a local reputation as a rampant womaniser. No, really. Whilst out with Marie on Friday afternoon, Amelie told me that she'd seen her old friend from playgroup as we walked along the seafront. I hadn't seen the girl myself, and Amelie regularly claims sightings of anyone from the Loch Ness Monster to Bigfoot, so I took her words with a pinch of salt. But having returned to the beach with my daughter yesterday afternoon, we bumped into the little girl's mother.

Who looked at me slightly awkwardly. And then asked me how Lisa is. Before mentioning, in a suspicious and stuttering way, that she'd seen me walking along the seafront on Friday.

So it's official: Marie and I are having an affair. It'll be all over Facebook by morning.


Phil's Mum said...

If only you'd invited Marie down on Monday, instead of Friday, you could have claimed it as an April Fool joke.

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