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Friday, January 10, 2014

The good news is that ten days into the new year, I've already lost my Christmas baby weight. The baby being Jesus, and the weight being a bouncing nine pounds. The twelve days of Christmas turned into a fortnight of feasting, and the sage stuffing was more like unwise gluttony. But fortunately, having given myself a good talking to on New Year's Eve, I began 2014 on a regime of personal hardship and starvation which is likely to result in gallstones, muscle wastage and death. Although I'll look great in an open coffin.

On the downside, it's left me too weak to blog. And it's coincided with a particularly demanding period from my children, whose new year's resolution appears to be to spend more time with their father. For the past week, Toby's been defining the phrase 'running before you can walk' in a very literal sense, by sprinting down the hallway every time I get home from work, and then insisting that I hold him until bedtime. I'm considering having his DNA tested to see if he's part albatross.

In addition to that, Amelie's now so obsessed with video games, that she's begging me to punch fish with SpongeBob and hit rats with golf clubs the moment I walk through the door. She barely gives me time to take my coat off. Although I generally can't take my coat off as I'm holding Toby.

In an attempt to feed her habit, I bought her a copy of 'Destroy All Humans!' for £1 from a charity shop this week. It wasn't until I got home that I noticed it had a '15' rating, and by the time I'd learnt which button to press for an anal probe, I'd decided it wasn't age-appropriate. So I was forced to buy her a ballet game instead. Which she said wasn't as good as the alien one, because you can't suck the brains out of cows.

As it happens, however, I have unearthed some more valuable bargains from charity shops this week. On Tuesday I bought the complete 'Friends' box set of DVDs, consisting of all ten series on forty discs, for the bargain price of £4.99. Which is a fraction of its true worth, and about a hundred times less than you'd have to pay me to watch it. Suffice it to say, I'm not a massive 'Friends' fan, and would be more inclined to use the discs as frisbees, but as luck would have it, Big Sis doesn't share my sophisticated sense of humour, and is quite happy to laugh at idiots, so she'll be getting the set for her birthday.

But DVD box sets aren't my only method of winning Friends and influencing people. I've also bought a new suit. I don't actually need a new suit, but Lisa bought me two ties for Christmas, so I thought I'd get something to go with them. I was in Haywards Heath on Wednesday, and I found a brand new Racing Green silk & linen suit for £24.99. And what's more, it was in my size. Well, the size I'll be when I've lost a bit more weight.

It was in Age UK, so I expect the owner had dementia and didn't know what it was worth. The cheapest silk & linen jacket I can find is this one for £165, so with the trousers, we're looking at two hundred and forty quid. Obviously you could buy a lot of polyester for that kind of money, but it's about time I had a touch of quality, so I splashed out in the name of fashion (and charity), and forked out a pony for a whistle. It's the year of the horse, and I had some money to blow.


Phil's Mum said...

As you can't afford to go horse-racing, you can wear it when you go to the dogs.

Zed said...

Dry clean only, so you can spend the £165 extra in no time.