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Friday, September 27, 2013

The fog on the Tyne is all mine, all mine...


But frankly you're welcome to it. It stopped me getting a clear photo of the view as the train chugged into the station on Wednesday. As did the mud on the windows. And the constant wall of drizzle. But other than that, Newcastle's lovely, and I'd recommend it to anyone. Particularly those with photodermatitis, warm clothing or gills.

Anyway, it's been a hard-working conference...


You can tell that by the sweat under my armpits. The blood and tears were just out of shot. And may I say, it's not easy adopting that position when you've got arthritis in your little fingers. I was going above and beyond the call of duty there. And it wasn't easy keeping that moustache on.

Anyhoo, the conference finished this afternoon, but I'm staying on in Newcastle for another night to get away from the kids. I Skyped Amelie yesterday evening and I don't think she's missing me as much as she expected. She seemed more interested in her ice lolly. She has, however, given her school friends a slightly misleading insight into my life while I've been away. Apparently one of her classmates told his Mum that I'd "moved to a new castle".

In reality, I'm more like an old ruin. Having been at the conference venue until midnight last night, and then returned at eight this morning to rendezvous with a blind woman, an endocrinologist and a man who's spent a lot of time in prison, I feel on the broken side of shattered. To be honest, I've been going through a difficult stage. This one, to be precise...


That's where I spent the first half of the morning, introducing the acts (I probably should have called them speakers) in the graveyard shift of the conference. Otherwise known as the morning after the night before. Let's face it, when everyone's nursing a hangover, you don't want to be the bloke standing up with a microphone.

But despite taking to the stage a mere nine hours after it was vacated by Foxx UK (so called because they perform songs from the 20th century), I think it went well. I only introduced one person with the wrong name, and I don't think it's that important to run to time, so all in all, I'm putting it down as a complete success.

And that wasn't my only triumph...


Yes, I'm pleased to say that the prize for best poster at this year's conference will be travelling back to Brighton. Unfortunately it wasn't earned by the one above. I actually created two posters this year, one on my own, and one with a colleague, and it was the collaborative effort which won. So it's obvious where the talent lies. I am, however, now the proud owner of half a Marks & Spencer's voucher. Which is technically a handful of Marks. It's like living in Nazi Germany.

Anyhoo, the highlight of the conference for me was a new cost-effective method of screening, proposed by an ophthalmologist from Yorkshire, and based on the assumption that the people who develop serious diabetic eye disease are the ones who don't turn up for screening. His suggestion was to send everyone a letter inviting them to make an appointment, then ignore all the ones who do, and send a van straight round to the home of anyone who doesn't respond. It's genius. You don't screen those who want to be screened, because they're generally fine. It's the people who couldn't care less who actually need us the most.

Of course, when I say that was my highlight of the conference, I'm ignoring the stick-on moustaches from Gloucestershire, the OPDR Shepherd and his flock of Maculopathy Sheep, and the proposal that the Oxford and Cambridge screening programmes recreate the boat race with inflatable dinghies. I still think that's a good idea.

Ultimately though, the biggest lesson I learnt was never to hang around at the end of a conference. While most of the delegates were out of the door before the final applause had died down, I lingered just that little bit too long, and was promptly collared by the chairman, who asked me to write this year's official conference report. I'm hoping this blog post will do.

5 comments:

Phil's Mum said...

I'm sure it will. Well done. Now get some sleep. You won't get any when you get home!

Poirot said...

I am not sure what announcements you made on stage - I wasn't listening!

Phil said...

And an 'a' in congrats. :)

Phil said...

I noticed that. Although you did hear me announce that lady with the wrong name, so you can't have been asleep ALL the way through.

Jon the Bassist said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScfSowzycSU