We've lost three children that way, and quite a few toys.
Anyhoo, I don't know about you, but my idea of heaven is a view like this...
Not the patchwork of picturesque fields and stunning scenery stretching as far as the eye can see, but the sight of my kids disappearing into the distance. It's not only breathtaking, it's a blessed relief.
So with nothing better to do before Hurricane Bertha hit, I decided to take my family up to the Devil's Dyke yesterday. Toby's currently obsessed with public transport, and there's an open-top bus which goes up there throughout the summer, so it seemed like a good way to kill a few hours. And possibly a couple of children. Toby might look happy in this photo...
... but he was on the verge of falling over the side every time we turned right. I had to hold onto his reins to stop him slipping through the bars.
Anyhoo, if there's one thing history has taught us, it's that I enjoy the Dyke a lot more when I'm there with freaks, gimps and bearded ladies, so at the last minute, we decided to invite our good friends Stefan and Andrew to come with us. They're Toby's godparents, so if anyone should be there to witness him diving off the top of a bus and rolling down a mountain, it's them. They're the best people to pray for his soul.
We agreed that Lisa, Amelie, Toby and I would catch the open-top bus from the pier at 11:15am, and our friends would get on at the station a few minutes later. By some miracle, we got to the pier fifteen minutes early, which was handy as it gave us enough time to discover that the bus stop had been suspended due to road works, and we needed to go to the Old Steine instead. To be honest, it was a miracle we'd got there at all, as we'd asked for 'Network Saver' tickets on the bus into town, only for the bus driver to tell us he'd never heard of them. Lisa helpfully pointed out that they were advertised on his own bus, via a sign displayed about twelve inches from his face, but he maintained that in his seven years working for Brighton & Hove Buses, he'd never been asked for one, and couldn't sell them to us. So he let us ride into town for free. Ignorance has its advantages.
We were soon living the high life, in a fairly literal sense, at the top of a number 77 bus...
That photo was taken as we stopped at Churchill Square. Which is where our plans started to go wrong. At that point we were on the open-top bus with about six other people, but standing at the bus stop in Western Road were a group of day-trippers from the local language school. By the time we pulled away from the stop five minutes later, we were surrounded by foreign students, and the bus was completely full. We arrived at the station shortly afterwards, and had the pleasure of waving to Stefan and Andrew as the bus sailed past without stopping.
So it wasn't a good start. But with no choice but to sit tight, we journeyed up to the Devil's Dyke, with the students taking photos...
... Toby pointing at fields...
... and me enjoying the experience of looking over the walls of the rich people's houses in Dyke Road Avenue. To be honest though, no one enjoyed it as much as Toby. I've never seen anyone so excited by public transport. He spent the entire journey grinning like a loon and shouting "Bus!" (which, to the untrained ear, sounds more like 'dove')...
I think he was a bit disappointed when we got there and he had to get off. In fact, Amelie was disappointed too, as she told us the place looked boring, and there was nothing to do. I told her there was lots of space to run around, to which she replied "There isn't!". That was shortly after she'd taken this photo...
So I took her into the woods instead to climb some trees...
... while Lisa attempted to find some space to run around...
I don't think she succeeded. We did, however, do our best to grass up our own children...
... and before long, we stumbled across a man who'd arrived on the next bus and seemed to be looking for someone...
I think Toby was just below his eyeline.
It transpired that Stefan and Andrew aren't the kind of people to let a bus full of students stand between them and a good time, and had managed to battle their way to the front of the queue for the next one. Better still, they'd been let on the bus for free as the ticket machine wasn't working. Frankly, with their broken machines and ignorant drivers, it's a miracle the bus company makes any money.
Anyhoo, having rendezvoused with our friends, it gave Stefan, Andrew and Lisa the chance to recreate a page from the Ray-Ban catalogue by posing in their sunglasses...
Unfortunately they have a long way to go to match this masterful performance from the undisputed Queen of Summer Cool...
Thirty seconds later, she was reclining in short shorts...
Another two minutes and she'd have been topless and applying fake tan. And they say children grow up too fast these days. If her sunglasses weren't Hello Kitty, she could pass for sixteen.
Anyhoo, the six of us were soon enjoying a nice lunch at the Devil's Dyke pub, where I sampled a bit of wild boar, and Stefan continued his gastronomic quest to find the best pie in Sussex, before telling me about the time a bear ate his breakfast. That was before he moved to Brighton. I think it was somewhere in Kent. It was a very enjoyable meal, and only one of us fell asleep, which is always a sure sign of a good time. It also gave me the chance to discuss the poor diet of some of our patients, before ordering the biggest dessert on the menu. It was for research purposes only.
Walking out of the pub caused a slight problem, as Toby spotted a bus, and decided he'd much rather board that than hang about to have fun, but fortunately Stefan managed to persuade him to stay by showing him a good time on a hilltop...
... before demonstrating that his cheap phone from China takes better photos than my Japanese camera...
I really like that one. Obviously the skill and charisma of the models plays a big part in the success of any photo, so a lot of it is down to me, but even so, it's impressive.
Anyhoo, it wasn't long before Amelie was running towards a cliff edge...
... and Toby was running after her...
Her jacket's like a red rag to a bull. And when she took it off, she was friesian.
Fortunately we had a couple of strong-arm men to retrieve our children...
Unfortunately, if you look very closely at that photo, you might just be able to make out the kamikaze death plunge of a particularly determined bee, as it made
So with Stefan on the verge of anaphylactic shock, and in dire need of antihistamines, we decided to make Toby's dreams come true by boarding the next bus home...
We'd lost Amelie by that point, but it was a pleasure to find Bono sitting in the back seats. To be honest, it was a miracle we still had Lisa with us too, as she'd popped into the toilets at the pub, and then struggled to find her way out. She'd been on the verge of phoning me after ten minutes trying to locate the exit.
So after a hugely enjoyable afternoon, we waved goodbye to the Devil's Dyke...
... and then waved goodbye to Stefan and Andrew...
All in all, it was a lovely day out. Other people take their kids to Thorpe Park or Drusillas at the weekend. I take mine up the nearest hill on a bus. But despite Amelie's initial impressions, I don't think we could have had a better time.
1 comments:
I'll remind Amelie of that next time we're passing Drusilla's!
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