You have to wonder about the state of amateur dramatics on the Shotley Peninsula. Chelpin Players (who have shortened the words 'Chelmondiston' and 'Pin Mill' into one media-friendly word, whilst simultaneously, and appropriately, making sure it contains the plea "Help!") are currently advertising their next production - the play "Neville's Island" in April. Now, apart from the fact that the same play is being staged professionally for over three weeks at the Ipswich Wolsey Theatre in March, and therefore come April it will have been seen by everyone and his dog within a fifty mile radius, meaning that no one in their right mind will go and see this amateur production unless they're related to the cast, or are employed making sandwiches to sell at the interval, APART FROM ALL THAT... the Chelpin Players are advertising that the play is written by Tim Firth "of Four Weddings and a Funeral fame".

Now, I'm willing to admit that Tim Firth wrote the film 'Calendar Girls'. And I'm also willing to admit that he wrote Neville's Island when he was 28, thus making me extremely jealous. Although to balance that out, he also wrote a few episodes of 'The Bill', so frankly he should be ashamed of himself. But 'Four Weddings and a Funeral'? I think not.

Unless the Chelpin Players are thinking of COLIN Firth? He wasn't in Four Weddings either, but he has been in just about every other Richard Curtis film, so at least you can give them a point for trying.

I think I'll send them a copy of my new play and tell them I wrote 'Love Actually'...