I think I've eaten too much. Actually, judging by my bathroom scales this morning, I know I've eaten too much. But fortunately, help is at hand...
... I've bought this book from the charity shop around the corner. I've only read the first chapter so far, but I like it already. Its essential message seems to be that it's not my fault that I'm fat. It's the fault of women. And vegetarians. Not to mention the government. Who pander to women. And vegetarians. So from today onwards, I'm going to be eating like a man, and building the kind of body which will enable me to kick sand in the faces of ten-stone weaklings (that's Lisa). If nothing else, the boost in testosterone should make me slightly less camp.
As for Christmas, well my family presented me with some expensive and well thought out gifts, and in return I gave them a load of cheap tat. It seemed like a fair exchange. I received the 2-disc special edition DVD of Battle Royale, while Lisa got Richard & Judy's You Say, We Pay. My brother and his family then arrived, and we found ourselves playing the Marks & Spencers chocolate version of 'Deal or No Deal'. Which is just like the TV show, but with chocolates and forfeits instead of money and boxes. It was essentially very dull, but it did give my 7-year-old niece the chance to reveal a secret about my Big Sis. She lowered her voice conspiratorially, and whispered "She's quite annoying sometimes". I told her that's no secret.
As it happens, every DVD I got for Christmas was a horror film, because on top of 'Wolf Creek' and 'The Descent', I also received the home movie of our cruise to Mexico in February. Big Sis had left it nine months before giving me a copy, to allow the memory to fade sufficiently, so that I could experience the full unrelenting horror afresh at 11pm on Christmas Day. Like all good horror films, I had to watch it through my fingers, and it made me feel slightly sick, but seeing Lisa turn to the camera every five minutes and make a bitingly sarcastic comment, reminded me why I love her so much.
On Boxing Day my brother's family left to get my niece a Nintendo DS with some money she'd saved up (it's nice to know the government have tackled child poverty), so Lisa and I taught everyone to play Fluxx, and proved that it takes a lot longer with five people than two. By the end I think they'd not only lost the will to live, but also ensured that I won't be packing that in my suitcase next time I visit.
Before we left yesterday, Big Sis kindly gave me the benefit of her years of experience, by going through my recent failed job application and telling me where I went wrong. Apparently I need to lie more, and when they ask if I have any endorsements on my driving licence, say no.
That done, Lisa and I made our way back to Brighton, where we had our own little Christmas dinner, consisting of quiche, stuffing, and 12 mini cheesecakes. Lisa claimed I ate seven of them to her five, which I'm sure is an outrageous lie. We were watching Battle Royale at the time, so it's surprising I had any appetite at all. I did however eat most of the mini cheeseburgers. I find burgers surprisingly moreish when you can fit a whole one in your mouth in one go. It's no wonder I've put on weight.