But the good news is that shortly after collapsing into a safe seat, I had the pleasure of being played like a violin by my own daughter, who climbed onto my lap, lifted up my shirt, and started beating my belly to the tune of The Piglet Song.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "The Piglet Song? Is that the new one from Lady Gaga?". Well funnily enough, no. But I'm not ruling it out for the future. The Piglet Song is actually a self-penned number that I composed a few months ago in the musical hit factory that is my car. I was driving Amelie to Asda, and she was driving me around the bend. She'd already requested that I sing her the theme song from Winnie the Pooh and a rhyme based on Tigger, before suddenly demanding a song about Piglet.
Obviously I have a vast musical repertoire that encompasses songs about twinkling stars, ethnic sheep and round bus wheels, but I didn't actually know one about Piglet. And I told her so. A fact she immediately chose to ignore. So after three minutes of high-pitched moaning and crying, not all of it coming from me, I decided to make one up.
It's a well known fact that several years ago, before being struck down by crippling arthritis and an even more crippling lack of talent, I was a prolific songwriter and composer, producing upwards of two or three songs every couple of years. So I'm no stranger to making up rubbish. You can check out my back catalogue here. There's a link at the side to a site selling earplugs.
Generally, the only hits that come to me in my car are collaborations with bollards, but on this occasion, there was undoubtedly some musical stardust in the air, and quicker than you could say 'pay and display', I was driving into the Asda car park with a fully formed song bursting forth from my lips. They say Paul McCartney wrote 'Yesterday' in his sleep. I wrote The Piglet Song in thirty seconds whilst driving a Skoda. And it's already been more of a hit.
For the past few months, Amelie's been demanding The Piglet Song on every car journey we ever make. To be honest, it's become a bit of an albatross. And I don't mean the one by Fleetwood Mac. I'm like Dexy's Midnight Runners. I've written any number of songs, but all people want to hear is 'Come On Eileen'. The only good thing is that I no longer have to sing it alone. Like any super-fan, Amelie's learnt all the words, and will burst into song at a moment's notice. I've heard her belting out The Piglet Song in the car, on the street, and in the middle of the night. Frankly there's nowhere she won't sing it. I just wish she'd pay royalties.
All of this means that the song is beginning to reach a wider audience. Having attended her own personal stones concert in Avebury, Big Sis denounced The Piglet Song as "tuneless" and "boring", while our friend 'C', who heard it in the back of our car last week, questioned its lyrical merits, and pointed out that it doesn't rhyme. Which shows what they both know about music.
The good news is that the world can now make up its own mind. As Amelie started rhythmically punching me in the stomach last night, I grabbed my camera and recorded this, the worldwide premiere of my one-hit wonder. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Piglet Song...
She's performing it whilst admiring herself in the mirror. She gets that from her father.
The lyrics, should you wish to sing along, are:
Piglet, Piglet, we all love little Piglet,
He's soft and pink and he's got a curly tail,
And he's got a little nose,
Piglet, Piglet, we all love little pigs.
There are certain musical Philistines who feel that those lyrics hit something of a low point around the third line. Frankly they should try composing a song whilst tackling the marina roundabout and see what they come up with. It might not rhyme, but at least it's anatomically correct. Personally I think it's a triumph. Although I wrote it in a Skoda.
What the future holds for The Piglet Song is unclear. Potentially I've tapped into a huge market by creating something which instantly appeals to the under-threes, but traditionally toddlers don't have a big disposable income, and parents seem to hate it, so it might not make me much money. It's up on YouTube though, so with two-year-olds now using iPads, I think I'll just wait for it to go viral.