They say the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world...


Which explains why Amelie has ultimate power and we all have to do what she says. I didn't want to go to the park yesterday, but frankly resistance was futile.

Anyhoo, that's Toby on the nine-month-old's equivalent of a white-knuckle ride. It's so scary, he has to close his eyes and cling on for dear life. Or maybe he's just asleep. Either way, we successfully reunited our children yesterday by driving over to St Leonards to pick up Amelie from my parents' holding pen. I'd spent the morning finishing off my 24-hour Changing Rooms Special by shampooing all the carpets, which meant that by midday, the only thing left to do was to place this little item in a prominent position on the living room table...

That's my plea for clemency. And the ace up my sleeve. It occurred to me that if I was going to purge Amelie's room of all her junk, I might need something with which to distract her when she returned home to an empty flat. So whilst carrying out my dawn raid at Argos on Saturday, I bought her that make-up set.

Amelie might only be four-and-a-half, but she already loves make-up. My parents bought her some children's cosmetics for Christmas, and she's spent the past few months copying Lisa by applying blusher, lipstick and nail polish. Mostly to her own body, but occasionally to mine and Lisa's. She's proved surprisingly mature about it, and has virtually used up all her supplies, so despite the media's concerns about the sexualisation of children, and girls growing up too fast, I knew that the one thing which would make my pre-schooler happy was to buy her a range of cosmetics.

So I left that on the table where her toys used to be, and we drove over to St Leonards to show off Toby's advanced crawling skills to my parents...


He clearly needs a good reason to get off his backside. He's like his father in that respect.

Anyhoo, having volunteered to clear my parents' lunch table of food, I eventually succumbed to Amelie's request to take her to the local park, so while Lisa and my parents found better things to do, I took the kids out for half an hour. Which ended up taking two hours. It's not easy getting Amelie away from those swings.

Amelie was very keen to go; I definitely wasn't; and Toby was on the fence...


But ultimately we all had a good time. It might not have always looked like it...


But the fact is that Toby wasn't as terrified as he made out. In reality he had a whale of a time. He probably spent longer on those swings that his sister, and liked them so much, he even started licking them at one point. It was a fine line between whipping him into excitement and rocking him to sleep, but he spent a lot of the time laughing...


We eventually returned to my parents' house ninety minutes later than planned, which gave me just enough time (ie. 15 minutes) to wash my car, before speeding back to Brighton in time for our grocery delivery from Tescos. The driver kindly informed me that our shopping weighed 86.5 kilograms, which made me glad I didn't have to carry it in from the car, but he told me that some people's orders weigh in the hundreds. Apparently he tries to take annual leave when the mineral water's on special offer.

As for the cosmetics, they were spotted approximately thirty seconds after we got through the door. And they've proved a massive hit. Her toys might be heading for the nearest landfill site and charity shop, but that girl is as happy as Larry. Assuming Larry is a drag queen who applies his own make-up.