It's 2014! And it's the year of the horse, so my new year's resolution is to spend more time in the bookies.

But now that I'm home, with 24-hour access to a scanner, I can show you the label which was attached to Toby's favourite Christmas present...

It's part of the new 'Mr Men & Little Misandry' range at Bitter Feminists R Us. On first impressions, it might look like an attractive, cuddly puppy, but after 12 months, he'll start lying, cheating and breaking your heart.

Unfortunately my son's illiterate, so in lieu of a thank you letter, I'd just like to pass on Toby's gratitude to my parents for their thoughtful gift. Next year he'd like the Snake in the Grass and the Sexist Pig. Thanks.

Anyhoo, you can't stay anywhere for five days without leaving something behind. And sure enough, we arrived home yesterday to find that we'd forgotten to pack Amelie. This must be what my parents meant when they wished us a peaceful new year. Unfortunately she's returning this afternoon, which means I have approximately six hours to chuck out all her toys before she arrives home with a load of new ones. It's a good job Toby can't talk, otherwise he might tell her about the bin bag I'm currently filling in the bedroom.