OH ... MY ... GOD ...

When I went to bed last night, my quiz had been taken 29 times, roughly 28 of which were me testing it to make sure it worked. I then released it into the wild and went to bed.

This morning I get up, check my quiz-owner statistics, and find that overnight my quiz has been taken...

318 TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!

Bloody hell. I think I have a hit on my hands.

Okay kids, IT'S FINISHED!! Hurrah! I'd like to thank you all for your unrelenting support during the entire quiz-making process. I set myself a tough schedule, and progress was difficult at the best of times, but throughout these past two painful weeks of stress, I was helped enormously by people saying "for god's sake, haven't you finished it yet?". So thanks for that.

I feel the result is possibly my greatest achievement to date. It's all very well to write plays tackling subjects like the diminishing effect of the news media and its relation to the meaning of life, but it's not until you've produced a couple of questions about fat pot-holers and aardvark poison, that you can really consider yourself a serious writer. I feel this could be a turning point in my career.

So to view the fruits of my considerable labour, CLICK HERE. Or alternatively, visit my shiny new Quizzes page here. It's a triumph. No, reallly, it is.

I realise there are those who are somewhat concerned that it seems to be taking me longer to write a Poddington Peas quiz than it took me to write my play Ledgers, but in my defence, I've been very busy the past couple of weeks raising money for sick animals. Admittedly, I didn't know they were sick when I backed them, but Cheltenham's only once a year, so I can't be expected to ignore it. I had to go into Ipswich this afternoon too. And I'm thinking of growing my hair, so I have to look in the mirror quite a lot, which takes a big chunk out of my daily schedule.

And besides, I may have produced Ledgers in 15 days, but I basically wrote it by cobbling together quotes from Marie's e-mails, so it didn't take a lot of work. 'Which Poddington Pea Are You?' on the other hand is entirely my own work, and involves extensive research and psychological evaluation of various personality traits. Not to mention questions about death and Maltesers.

But I selflessly drove past The Cheesecake Shop in Ipswich today without stopping, in an effort to get home early for some pea-related activities, so the quiz should be finished by tomorrow.

But don't hold me to that.

Lines I Wish I'd Written, #479a:

"I must have a bug in my romance software."

~ Will & Grace, Series 1, Episode 8.

Obviously the fact that I'm alone on a Saturday night watching old Will & Grace videos has NOTHING to do with the resonance of that particular line.

I'm always on the lookout for ways to meet new people, and now I've found one, courtesy of this week's local paper. Yes, it's true, Suffolk County Council are looking for people to train as Master Composters.



The advert poses the rhetorical question "Are you interested in composting?", before going on to inform us that "becoming a Master Composter is a great way to meet new people". It's a brilliant marketing strategy, because let's face it, if you answered 'yes' to the first question, you're almost certainly someone who could do with getting out and meeting some new people.

I think I'll apply.

Obviously I'm not one to kiss and tell (well, I'm definitely not one to kiss - history has taught us that), but I feel I should make a passing reference here to my day out in London yesterday. I have to tread carefully, because certain persons who might claim to have been there too (Lisa) are liable to be up in arms the moment I stray more than an inch from the truth. There's just no pleasing some people. You can't even lie about yourself online any more.

Anyhoo, the most important lesson of the day was that monkeys are uncontrollably attracted to either blondes or men with beards. Blonde men with beards presumeably send them into a frenzy. Sadly, as a clean-shaven guy, and a reddish (not radish) brown haired girl, we saw no simian action of any kind. If London Zoo were half the zoo I thought they were, they'd be selling blonde wigs and fake beards in the gift shop, but alas no.

Still, the walk through Regents Park was lovely, particularly when my companion wondered aloud how many murders have taken place there. It was a special moment. Personally I was more concerned with the number of deaths from hypothermia, as the decision to go with my rather fetching Next moleskin jacket was looking like a victory for style over practicality. But I would've looked fantastic as the paramedics treated my frostbite, I'm sure. That's if the Regents Park murderers didn't get to me first.

Still, we dashed around London Zoo in two hours flat, stopping only to send out a raft of text messages confirming that I'm not, after all, a violent psychopath (clearly a hasty decision - you need to get to know me first before making judgements like that). Then a quick jaunt back across the frozen murdering wasteland, and onwards to the London Eye. I confidently led the way from Waterloo station with the words "Um... er, hang on.... um... let's try this way". Fortunately I'm observant enough to eventually spot a 450ft high structure from a distance of about 200 yards. What can I say, it's a gift.

But the London skyline at dusk is remarkably pretty, and being a Laaaandoner at heart, I was able to realise after about 20 minutes that the big white palace-like building I'd been looking at, was in fact Buckingham Palace and not Selfridges.

Other highlights of the day included...

~ The spiral staircase at Ask (a restaurant which we chose after extensive research and evaluation of all the eating establishments near Victoria station) (well ok, we saw it, said "that'll do", and walked in). Having climbed to the top of the stairs in search of toilet heaven, I was very tempted to slide back down the spirally bannisters like a helter skelter, but I decided it might not make the right impression, and I didn't want to risk having to poke aardvarks alone that afternoon. (As it transpired, London Zoo was an aardvark-free zone. I may have to make a formal complaint).

~ An amphibian which a certain someone (and it wasn't me) likened to Cliff Richard. Not to mention the monkey which looked like Princess Diana.

~ Eating pizza whilst hearing about a man who dropped dead from a heart attack on his driving test.

~ Having someone quote back to me a line from my last play. Friends take note - this is the kind of dedication I require. Not only do you have to read my plays, but if I so much as mention the concept of going home to write my C.V., you have to jump straight in with the next line from 'Be Worth It'. I was quite impressed. Definitely an 'A' for effort there.

Having received a glorious total of 17 votes on BlogHop.com, and an overall approval rating of 87%, I'm now officially ranked 51st out of 22,489 listed blogs. Which means either I'm amongst the top 0.2% of world bloggers, or the BlogHop voting system is fundamentally flawed. Personally I'm leaning towards the latter. But just think how much higher I'd be if Lisa certain people hadn't insisted on clicking orange.

I may not have finished writing my Poddington Peas quiz yet (great art takes time), but I have had another win on the horses, and more importantly I've developed a heavy rock version of the Senators song 'Best Friend'. It compliments my metal version of 'The Little Things' very well.

Day three, and a final day profit of £10. I really should turn professional. With earnings like this, I could be living on the beach in St Tropez. Or possibly Felixstowe. And all this despite the aptly named Trouble at Bay, who, having been my best buddy all year, winning his last five races in a row, chose today to let me down big time in the first.

Still, confidently resisting the temptation to back Baracouda, I chose to buy money instead when I found you could get odds of 1-3 on Best Mate placing in the first three. You have to wonder who these people are. Best Mate could stop for a cup of tea halfway round and still get third. It was money for sale. I must have been the only punter in Britain not panicking all the way up the home straight.

Making my way back via St Pirran, and a bit of Impek to place, it wasn't a bad week really. Much more of this, and I'll be able to buy an alpaca.

That's more like it. Day two of the Cheltenham Festival and a nice £27 profit. No lethargic hippos today (Moscow Flyer was my big winner last year, so I knew better than to push my luck by backing him at even money this time around - a dying swan impression was virtually guaranteed), but it has to be said, I DESERVED to make a £117 profit today. No, really.

Two weeks ago I put £6 on my baby, Rhinestone Cowboy, to win the Coral Cup at odds of 14-1. By the off today, he was all the way down to 5-1, proving me to be the shrewdest punter this country has ever seen. Well, the shrewdest punter willing to risk a whopping £6. That £84 profit was rightfully mine. He finished a gallant third out of 27 runners. Close but no cigar.

Still, let's all go out on a high by backing Best Mate to fall at the first tomorrow, and First Gold to romp home at 20-1. Hurrah!

Another Cheltenham Festival, another step towards bankruptcy. And it all started so well. I backed Brave Inca this morning at great odds, whereupon the rest of the world followed my lead, and his price had halved by the off. So when he romped home in the opener, I knew I was at the beginning of a lengthy winning streak. A winning streak which lasted all the way to the start of the second race.

Thisthatandtother is undoubtedly the finest jumper of a fence we've seen all season, so having made him my banker of the week, and passport to untold riches, I was naturally delighted to see him plough through the first fence like a lethargic hippo, and then roll around on the floor the other side of the second. Because as they say, the one thing you're guaranteed with Thisthatandtother is a good run for your money. At least as far as the second fence.

Still, I clawed my way back into things with Rooster Booster, who's got into the habit of losing narrowly this season, meaning I was the only person in Britain who'd resisted the temptation to back him on the nose. Odds of 1-2 to place was a complete steal. Especially when, predictably enough, he finished second.

So by the final race I was back to breaking even. Meaning my last choice was running for an all or nothing chance at a glorious first day profit. Which would indeed be a first for me at Cheltenham. The race finished 90 minutes ago. Unfortunately I think my horse is still running.

They do say "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". Although they also say "many a mickle makes a muckle", and I've never understood what the heck that means. But going back to the first of those statements, I've decided that if I'm gullible enough to sit here on a Saturday night taking pointless online quizzes, then frankly anyone is.

Or maybe it really is just me..?

Well either way, work is going ahead on my new 'Which Poddington Pea Are You?" quiz. It should take the world of pointless online quizzes by storm. I can see awards in the pipeline for this baby. And who knows, maybe a new career. I'll keep you posted.

Obviously I'm completely secure in my own heterosexuality, but I'm alone on a Saturday night, so for reasons I'm not sure I can fully explain, I've just taken a quiz entitled Which Male Celebrity Are You Going to Marry? So I'm very pleased to announce the following engagement:

"You are going to marry Orlando Bloom. He will always treat you right and is very romantic. He will do anything for you. He is very polite and has deep brown eyes and is very good looking (which is another plus!). He can make anything cheesy look really hot (like sliding down stairs on a shield shooting arrows or wearing pointy ears for example). Congrats!!"

I'm actually quite excited. A new shower and I'm going to marry Orlando Bloom. Presumeably in San Francisco, but who knows.

I have a new shower! Hurrah! It's virtually identical to my old one which died suddenly (and tragically) on Thursday morning, but this one's brand new, so it's actually quite exciting. Or possibly I just have a dull life.

Whilst waiting for my landlord to fit it, I cunningly avoided the trap of having to make him a cup of tea, by pretending to be busy working at my computer. In reality I was sitting transfixed by an online clock which really shouldn't be very interesting, but in fact is. I realise I'm technically just watching time pass here, but I still find it difficult to tear myself away.

According to the chef Nico Ladenis, some other top chefs are going out of their way to be innovative just for the sake of it, not to create good food, but merely to win awards for originality.

Obviously this isn't true, and to prove it, Heston Blumenthal, head chef of 'The Fat Duck' (not a good subject for a Spoonerism) has published a new recipe for us all to enjoy. He says...

"This recipe might sound revolting, but it's just a question of perception. We associate the title 'ice cream' with desserts, and this alone creates a barrier to enjoyment. Serve it as a starter and think of it as a frozen soup/pate."

So put down the potato waffles and tomato ketchup, and egg whisks at the ready everyone...

Sardines on Toast Ice Cream

3 egg yolks
25g unrefined caster sugar
315ml milk
150g tinned sardines in oil
75g toast, buttered with 30g butter

1. Whisk the egg yolks and sugar until whitened - about 10 minutes. Bring the milk to the boil, then remove from the heat. Pour the hot milk over the eggs and continue to mix, then tip back into the pan and cook over a low heat, stirring continuously with a wooden spoon. It is vital that the mix never boils or even simmers, otherwise it will coagulate. Continue stirring until the mixture thickens - this can take up to 20 minutes.

2. Have ready a bowl large enough to hold all the custard mix; sit it in cold water or on ice. When the custard is ready, pour into the chilled bowl and continue stirring until the mixture begins to cool. Once cool, liquidise with the sardines and toast, then pass through a fine sieve and churn in an ice cream maker.

3. Serve with melba toast to provide a pleasant textural contrast, and a little tomato to provide some acidity. A sprinkling of salt crystals and ground black pepper finishes off the dish nicely.
____________________

Mmmmmm-mmmmm! Certainly gets those taste buds tingling doesn't it. I'm off to liquidise some fish.