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Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Obviously I'm not one to kiss and tell (well, I'm definitely not one to kiss - history has taught us that), but I feel I should make a passing reference here to my day out in London yesterday. I have to tread carefully, because certain persons who might claim to have been there too (Lisa) are liable to be up in arms the moment I stray more than an inch from the truth. There's just no pleasing some people. You can't even lie about yourself online any more.

Anyhoo, the most important lesson of the day was that monkeys are uncontrollably attracted to either blondes or men with beards. Blonde men with beards presumeably send them into a frenzy. Sadly, as a clean-shaven guy, and a reddish (not radish) brown haired girl, we saw no simian action of any kind. If London Zoo were half the zoo I thought they were, they'd be selling blonde wigs and fake beards in the gift shop, but alas no.

Still, the walk through Regents Park was lovely, particularly when my companion wondered aloud how many murders have taken place there. It was a special moment. Personally I was more concerned with the number of deaths from hypothermia, as the decision to go with my rather fetching Next moleskin jacket was looking like a victory for style over practicality. But I would've looked fantastic as the paramedics treated my frostbite, I'm sure. That's if the Regents Park murderers didn't get to me first.

Still, we dashed around London Zoo in two hours flat, stopping only to send out a raft of text messages confirming that I'm not, after all, a violent psychopath (clearly a hasty decision - you need to get to know me first before making judgements like that). Then a quick jaunt back across the frozen murdering wasteland, and onwards to the London Eye. I confidently led the way from Waterloo station with the words "Um... er, hang on.... um... let's try this way". Fortunately I'm observant enough to eventually spot a 450ft high structure from a distance of about 200 yards. What can I say, it's a gift.

But the London skyline at dusk is remarkably pretty, and being a Laaaandoner at heart, I was able to realise after about 20 minutes that the big white palace-like building I'd been looking at, was in fact Buckingham Palace and not Selfridges.

Other highlights of the day included...

~ The spiral staircase at Ask (a restaurant which we chose after extensive research and evaluation of all the eating establishments near Victoria station) (well ok, we saw it, said "that'll do", and walked in). Having climbed to the top of the stairs in search of toilet heaven, I was very tempted to slide back down the spirally bannisters like a helter skelter, but I decided it might not make the right impression, and I didn't want to risk having to poke aardvarks alone that afternoon. (As it transpired, London Zoo was an aardvark-free zone. I may have to make a formal complaint).

~ An amphibian which a certain someone (and it wasn't me) likened to Cliff Richard. Not to mention the monkey which looked like Princess Diana.

~ Eating pizza whilst hearing about a man who dropped dead from a heart attack on his driving test.

~ Having someone quote back to me a line from my last play. Friends take note - this is the kind of dedication I require. Not only do you have to read my plays, but if I so much as mention the concept of going home to write my C.V., you have to jump straight in with the next line from 'Be Worth It'. I was quite impressed. Definitely an 'A' for effort there.