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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Fountain of DeathThe thing I love about charity shops is that you never know what you're going to find. Take the quality item on the left. It's a Cordless Illuminated Tranquility Fountain. Yes, a Cordless Illuminated Tranquility Fountain. And it was only £2.50. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Phil, why on earth did you spend £2.50 on a Cordless Illuminated Tranquility Fountain? Well, aside from the fact that it has a "beautiful faux stone finish" (that's plastic to you and me), and allows you to "Add the soothing sound of flowing water and ever-changing colors to any room!", (although the 'colors' are more like pulsing disco lights, and are anything but soothing), the main reason I bought it was because of the fantastic warning in small print on the back of the box...

The Soothing Sound of Cancer
Oh, and because it was for charity. Let's not forget that. But back to the birth defects...

Aside from being the kind of thing which makes you laugh out loud in a quiet charity shop, thus making everyone turn and see you holding a Cordless Illuminated Tranquility Fountain (which is not a good look), this warning raises a number of questions:

1. Just how tranquil can you feel knowing that your fountain is giving you cancer?
2. Why did they use such a lethal chemical in the first place, rather than choosing one which, say, doesn't lead to three-legged children?
3. Why is it only Californians who know about this?

Clearly Arnold Schwarzenegger's up to his muscular neck in all of this, and refusing to tell the rest of the world what he knows. And is it more than just coincidence that I found this fountain in the Martlet's Hospice Shop? Is it their way of drumming up future business?

Whatever the case, I made sure I scrubbed my hands with anti-bacterial handwash after scanning the box. But it's probably best if I don't father any children until it's out of the flat. I think I'll give it to Lisa's mother for Christmas.