On the battlefields of 1066, the victor's terrifying war face is truly a sight to behold...


That's Amelie making a mountain out of a molehill (or possibly an ant-hill) in a field close to Battle Abbey. The bag she's holding contains the spoils of war. Which, in this case, is a collection of twigs, leaves, pine cones and flowers, plus a battery-operated cat's tail she stole from my Dad. Don't ask.

It was appropriate that we were only a stone's throw from Battle Abbey, partly because Amelie's liable to launch a pebble-attack at any moment, but mainly because we were supposed to be in church at the time. As guests of my parents, Lisa, Amelie and I decided to attend yesterday's morning service at Battle Baptist Church, the only chapel in Britain where the all-conquering God is called William, and they believe strongly in an eye for an eye.

The service started well. For Amelie at least. She was served with three cups of squash and a biscuit. Unfortunately, by the time she'd finished them, her enthusiasm for sitting still quickly faded, and I was forced to take her outside. We left at around 1066. Or about five past eleven.

So while the rest of the family were fighting the good fight, Amelie and I were invading the Battle fields nearby. Here she is recreating a Norman sword fight armed with nothing but a dandelion...


There are pictures of me as well, but Amelie was too busy running through the meadow with a Battle cry of The Piglet Song to actually stop and take my photo, so I had to leave the camera on an ant-hill...


I look like I'm being stalked from behind a bush. Amelie was originally in that photo too, but unfortunately the timer was set for ten seconds, which is more than enough time for her to sprint off over the horizon like an all-conquering Frenchman.

Having advanced as far as the 1066 battlefield, we retreated back to the church via a field of cows, which Amelie said she wanted to stroke, before pointing at them from a distance and telling me "They're full of milk". I told her to pull the udder one. On both counts.

Having got my daughter to the church on time, we all returned to my parents' house, where I spent the afternoon cleaning my car for the first time this decade. Lisa and I then returned home yesterday evening, leaving Amelie to Battle on with her grandparents until Wednesday. Needless to say there were tears when we left. She really didn't want us to take Chloe.