It's always good to get home after a week away by the seaside. Except when you walk into your living room at midnight to find that water's been coming through the ceiling for days, your coffee table's soaked, the VCR remote control doesn't work because it's full of water, three videos are ruined, your slippers are damp, and your Perudo Liar Dice have got mould growing on them. And I thought "the best pub in Brighton" had a problem with leaky rooves.
But still, I've been able to cheer myself up with a fabulous e-mail which was sent to me last week, but which I've only just discovered, due to being crap at checking my e-mails when I'm away from home. It never fails to make me laugh that despite being the nicest guy you could ever wish to meet, I seem to be gradually turning the entire world against me via the world wide web. If it's not regional weather fans and regression therapists, it's 20-year-old Ukrainians with a boob complex.
I've had an e-mail from Loli Fedun, one of the participants in Channel Five's latest breast-fest, who wishes to take issue with my review of 'Hot Tub Ranking'. For those who didn't see the show, she was the one who dressed like a prostitute.
Sorry, I'm going to have to narrow that down a bit.
She was the blonde one who dressed like a prostitute.
Ok, forget that. She's second from the right.
I so wish I'd kept a colour version of that photo, but what can you do - I didn't know I was going to be contacted a week later by one of the knicker-clad slappers.
Anyhoo, Loli e-mailed shortly after midnight last Tuesday with these words of wisdom, which, incidentally, might not be suitable for small children, the easily offended, or fans of the English language...
Subject: loli Fedun from Hot Tub
Hi Loli there
I know i hope ull go fuck ur self up ur arse and then RANK URSELF!
U look like shit rather more than i look like a prostitue.
And my breast are Really good! If u wanna have an english cow with huge tits that hang doenm to the floor like shit then yeah small and very firm breasts are only for playboy and top magazines! Yeah go for it babe
Obviously I do look like shit, but the difference between me and Loli is that I don't parade around on national TV in my underwear asking men to rate my bum.
And did I even comment on her breasts?? I don't recall ever expressing a preference for English cows with huge tits. Although it's true you'd probably get more milk from them.
Anyhoo, you know what it's like when you e-mail someone - the moment you click on 'send', you immediately think of what you should have said. So Loli e-mailed again two minutes later to add this important point...
"This show was about showing off uyr body! Not fucken hiding it!"
... which frankly wins the argument hands down. I don't know what I was thinking.
Of course, prostitution's about showing off your body too, but in an entirely different way, I'm sure.
Interestingly though, Loli's unwittingly provided me with a bit of a scoop. It turns out that 'Loli' isn't her real name. Her e-mail address reveals it to be Olga. Which is only marginally less sexy. I bet Garry Bushell doesn't know that.
Obviously it would be immoral to reproduce someone's e-mail address here without permission, but I can tell from the way she calls me babe and then offers to have sex with me, that the lovely Loli - sorry, I mean Olga - wouldn't mind. So if any Hot Tub Ranking fans (and I know Kingster's one for a start) want to drop her a line, her e-mail address is:
But whatever you do, don't mention her breasts.