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Saturday, February 25, 2006

Hold the front page.I arrived in Brighton yesterday afternoon to find that news of my brother's decision to buy me a flat has been leaked to the media. I was hoping to be harrassed by the paparrazzi as soon as I stepped out of my car, so that I can claim press intrusion and launch a privacy lawsuit, but sadly, despite hanging around the hot cross bun section in Somerfield for half an hour, trying to look victimised, no one turned up to take my picture. I should have tried stealing something.

But fortunately, having collected Lisa from work (40 minutes late, but who's counting), we returned to her flat, where I received two hours of quality attention from her nephews, one of whom attacked me a packet of Polos, the other with a pen, before deciding to fetch me a Kit-Kat, and then laughing at my face. Which I felt was slightly rude. I can't help looking like this.

From there we went to Asda, where I took advantage of their half-price Valentine's Day clearance section by buying Lisa a quality gift for next year. I planned to make her wait eleven and a half months for it, but in the end only held out for two hours. But if she thinks she's getting another present in 2007, she's sadly mistaken.

Romance over, we retired to bed, where I found that nephew number 2 had kindly crumbled a Kit-Kat under the duvet, giving me the relaxing sensation of sleeping on loose gravel for most of the night.

But hey, we had no time for sleep anyway - we had a plumber coming this morning to fit a shiny new shower in Lisa's bathroom. He'd been booked for last Saturday, but naturally, being a quality local tradesman, and not a cowboy at all, he hadn't bothered turning up. This time was different however. He arrived two hours late, immediately drilled through an electrical cable, took out the lights in the kitchen and bathroom, plastered the wall with electrical hazard warning tape, and left, telling us to get an electrician in and send him the bill, before adding that we can't use the shower or we'll die (I'm paraphrasing him there).

Needless to say neither Lisa nor myself took a shower this morning, preferring to wait for the new one to be fitted. So we're currently unwashed and beginning to smell. But hey, we can still have a bath. Well, we could do if there was any light in the bathroom. Thank god the fridge lights up when you open it. At least I can still find food.