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Saturday, February 18, 2006

Well I'm home, I'm jet-lagged, but most important of all, I've weighed myself. I'm not saying the news was bad, but I felt like demanding a recount. I haven't seen such large numbers since I looked at Lisa's bar bill on the cruise. But the good news is we stopped off at Wal-Mart on the way to the airport on Thursday afternoon, and I picked up a few quality slimming products, with undoubted miracle properties. So I'm confident of success. After all, what better place to buy diet pills than America - home of some of the thinnest people on earth.

Anyhoo, our flight home was, naturally, a nightmare. Although I'll say one thing for technical faults on your aircraft - it gives you plenty of time to walk around Dallas airport and buy Krispy Kreme doughnuts. By the time I'd shovelled a couple of those into my mouth, I didn't even care that the plane was clearly falling apart and liable to disintegrate on take-off. Not that I should have worried, because as it turned out, I was seated next to Jesus for the entire flight.

Seriously, he looked like this. Only less awake. And unlike Jesus, he specialised less in walking on water, and more on holding it in. The man didn't go to the toilet once in the whole eight-hour flight. He did, however, sleep a lot, and refused to be woken up by me shaking him by the shoulder to say that unlike his good self, Lisa and I were finding that five hours stuck next to the window was probably enough thank you very much, and son of God or no son of God, we'd quite like to get past.

He responded as only a religious leader can - by trying to ignore the facts, misunderstanding what we were saying, and refusing to stand up for himself. So in the end we had to push past his knees.

But a quick bout of deep vein thrombosis and a tearful farewell by the Gatwick baggage carousel, and Lisa and I went our separate ways - her back to Brighton, me to the nearest WeightWatchers meeting. I knew that cruise was a mistake. Frozen yoghurt just isn't as healthy as it sounds.


Phil said...

Carol Are you sure he was sleeping and not just dead? I believe that current thinking holds that Jesus is dead these days, which might mean that it wouldn't have mattered if a wing fell off.


18 February 2006, 08:56:53weevil
Oooh welcome back. :+:

Is there something you ought to be telling us? Last week I was walking through Temple Meads station in Bristol and saw a poster for this book. Hmm?18 February 2006, 11:48:17Phil's Mum
So had you just got up at 5.41a.m. or not yet been to bed?18 February 2006, 12:37:05Phil
Dave, do they accept US Dollars? It's all I have left.

And I think Jesus was dead. But he rose again once the seatbelt sign was turned off.

As for Lisa Gardner, we saw her books whilst in America funnily enough, and she's featured before on this blog. I didn't know her fame stretched as far as Bristol though.

And I was up at 4am. Which makes no sense at all, because that would be 10pm in Dallas. I can't even do jetlag right.18 February 2006, 21:28:05Big Sis
Well, I must be experiencing your jet lag in a 'twin experience' kind of way. Last night I didn't get to sleep until 4am Texas time and slept through until 5:30pm. But maybe it's just post traumatic iguana stress...19 February 2006, 04:19:43weevilMeh, I even used the Blogger search facility before I posted to check that Lisa Gardner hadn't featured on Mulled Whines before. Blogger says you haven't mentioned her, so I think it was rather sneaky of you to backdate that post like that... 19 February 2006, 11:59:49Phil's Mum
Weevil - I think Blogger search can't be very accurate. I can confirm that Lisa Gardner HAS featured on Phil's blog before.
19 February 2006, 15:25:44Big Sis
By the way, there was a record reduction in temperature after you left. It was 90F in Dallas on your departure day and the next day a high of 38F was reached. It has not managed to get above 30F ever since.... (low of 12ish F last night so they say). See? I arranged the nice hot weather specially for your visit....19 February 2006, 19:05:09Phil
Thanks. I burnt off a fair few calories lugging my winter coat around Dallas airport in 90 degree heat. :+:19 February 2006, 22:26:05