I have to admit, there are advantages to moving home. If nothing else, you find out how many batteries you've got. And in my case it's enough to power the national grid for a good half hour. I spent yesterday afternoon emptying a large kitchen drawer, the contents of which haven't seen the light of day since I moved here eight years ago. It's where I keep all sorts of useful things like batteries, Blu-tac, screwdrivers, candles...

... and of course a Key West toothpick holder, and a solitary Calvin Klein button. No, I don't know why either. But anyhoo...

On the rare occasions that I need batteries (usually for my remote controls, which says a lot about my life), I tend to go to that drawer, rummage through the first six inches of junk, decide I'm all out of them, and immediately go and buy some more. Which is obviously why, eight years later, I find I've got thirty-seven AA batteries in numerous half-opened packs. I also seem to have twelve 'D' batteries, which is interesting, as I don't actually own anything which takes them. I probably just thought bigger is better, and bought them anyway.

But that aside, the more important news of the day is that I'm at death's door. My condition is, as yet, undiagnosed (though I'm convinced it's a rare form of meningitis which doesn't produce a rash, and responds well to paracetamol), but since late Saturday night I've been suffering from extreme aches and pains which started in my head, spread to my neck and shoulders, and continued down my body as far as my knees. Which is interesting, because that's exactly how I wash myself in the shower. I don't know if that's somehow connected.

So my health is not currently great. I feel like I've taken part in a Parexel drugs trial. It's probably my come-uppance for not showing Dave the slightest bit of sympathy when he was ill last week. But hey, I can't worry about people dying when there's horse racing on the TV. I had my reputation as a tipster to think about.

But on the subject of health, today's Independent reports that women with asymmetrical breasts are more likely to get cancer. So I'm off to examine Page 3 in the name of medical research.