Well I'm back home, and the diet's going well. Frankly it's a wonder I was still able to drive after the number of pancakes I ate last night. I blame my mother - that's the second year running she's agreed to text me the pancake recipe without so much as a second thought. She should have more concern for my welfare. Still, it could have been worse - Lisa was keen to mix cocoa powder into the flour in the hope of inventing chocolate pancakes. I wouldn't have minded, but as it was, we were cooking in total darkness in Lisa's kitchen, using flour which was best before September 2005, and trying to toss pancakes by torchlight, so it didn't seem the time to start experimenting.

Anyhoo, I've returned home to find an e-mail from someone called Seagull (probably female, because after all, Seagull's a bird), complaining that the font on this blog is too small. So I'd just like to publicly apologise in the heartfelt manner of someone who has no intention of doing anything about it. Sorry Seagull. But do keep reading.

Seagull was joined by someone named Simon, who called my website "deranged", then told me he lives next to Shotley Church, and I can drop in any time. He finished by describing me as "the Jack White of Shotley Gate". And he thinks I'm deranged.

But the good news is that it's March, and according to my brother, it's "not impossible" that they could exchange contracts on my Brighton flat by the end of March. Much in the same way that it's "not impossible" that I could lose weight in the near future. I'm optimistic anyway. And frankly it would be a relief to get out of here, as I'm now being hassled by the local Kleeneze salesman.

I arrived home at 1am last night to find a note from Brian & Anthea Shepherd, saying they'd called to collect the Kleeneze catalogue they'd left with me on Monday, and that they'd be back in the morning to try again. Naturally I did nothing about it, but I got up this morning to find a second threatening note...


So they're coming back for the third time AFTER 5.30PM TODAY. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Phil, just give the people back their Kleeneze catalogue, and be done with it". Well I would do. If they'd actually left me a Kleeneze catalogue. Unfortunately I've been away from home since Friday, and in that time, no catalogues whatsoever have been pushed through my letterbox. They're demanding the return of a catalogue they never gave me. Which is the kind of story they're never going to buy (which is also, incidentally, how I feel about the products in their catalogue). Needless to say, I'll be out this evening.