Blimey, it's the face of Jesus in an asparagus root. Is there nothing God won't do to get us to eat five portions of fruit & veg a day?

But miracles aside, I'm a bit short of time here, because in an exciting twist of fate, Lisa's coming up for the weekend after all. She's hitch-hiking as far as Essex, and I'm picking her up from Chelmsford in two hours time. Although given her habit of getting Chelmsford mixed up with Cheltenham, I should probably be heading for Gloucestershire instead.

It's a momentous weekend though, because Monday is our two-year anniversary, and the government seem to have declared it a national holiday in our honour. It's difficult to know what to get your other half on an occasion like this, but top of my Amazon wish list is a book called Life Balance. It only came out in hardback yesterday, so it's hot off the press, and apparently it contains 'The Essential Keys to a Lifetime of Wellbeing', which sounds like just what I need. According to its author, "countless relationships - between nations and individuals - could be healed through proper communication".

I forget who wrote it, but I'm sure they know what they're talking about.