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Monday, May 29, 2006

LezzersWell in the end Lisa didn't get me Heather Mills' guide to a happy marriage. Come to think of it, she didn't get me anything at all. But I didn't let that put me off. I bought her a lesbian DVD. The cast are pictured opposite in their normal attire. Personally I can't see the attraction, but both Lisa and (interestingly enough) my Big Sis are fans. So much so that I've been forced out of Sis's living room in Texas on more than one occasion, just so they can watch it in peace. They seemed to find my gasps of moral outrage distracting.

But anyway, Lisa and I have now officially been together for two years. I've had pets that haven't lasted that long. We're planning to celebrate by threatening my brother with physical violence until he agrees to sign the contract on my Brighton flat.

Not that I'll need him after this week, as I seem to have developed the gift of second sight, and am now in possession of Wednesday's winning lottery numbers. They came to me in a dream at 6am this morning. Well, I say a dream; to be honest it was more of a portentous vision. A vision so powerful that I had to get out of bed immediately to write down the six numbers. And to go to the toilet.

I've checked the National Lottery website this morning, and if I'd played those six numbers in every one of the 50 or so draws to have taken place over the last six months, I'd have won a grand total of...


So they're clearly overdue for a win. I couldn't be more confident. And neither could Lisa. She lay there in bed on the morning of our second anniversary, took hold of my hand, looked lovingly into my eyes, and demanded I sign a pre-nuptial agreement guaranteeing her half.