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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

It's official - I started my diet yesterday. Which is probably a bad idea, as I have an appointment to eat large amounts of pizza with a couple of 7 year olds (they're guests, not side dishes) at 5pm on Sunday. But I thought I'd bite the bullet (and the lettuce leaves) by making a start. And it's going well so far - I cheated within an hour and a half by having a fully caffeinated cup of tea, and spent £1.48 on a Vegetable Juice Cocktail which turned out to be cheap tomato soup in a fruit juice carton. But on the bright side, my fridge now looks like I've had a visit from Gillian McKeith. Which is quite spooky because...

Actually, before I get on to the sour-faced tyrant, can I just say Happy Birthday to Lisa's middle nephew who's three today. When I first started e-mailing Lisa, he was still flopping about in the womb - little did I know that just three short years later, I'd be his only friend. No seriously, according to Lisa's Mum, no one else likes him. At least I think that's what she said.

Anyhoo, back to the shrivelled old witch. I had the pleasure of sitting in a doctor's waiting room for an hour and a quarter yesterday afternoon (purely coincidental, and nothing to do with collapsing from hunger), and having flicked through a few copies of Vogue, Woman's Weekly, and some kind of upmarket porn mag, I made what is possibly the most important discovery of my life. It was a magazine called 'Vision', which describes itself as "Spiritual, Paranormal and Holistic From Cover to Cover", and proves it by having headlines such as "Nana sat on my bed today - but she died yesterday!" and "Harry Potter - Is Harry fact or fable?" on the front. But spookily (or perhaps paranormally) it features Gillian McKeith as its covergirl for May. So naturally I stole it and brought it home. As well as being fateful, it meant I had a picture to stick on my dartboard.

Marhie. Or Marie if you're not paranormal.The magazine itself though is a cracking good read. It features adverts for professionals like Marhie, whose second-sight doesn't quite penetrate the covers of a dictionary, but who'll tell you you're going to die with a smile on her face. Possibly whilst wearing a kilt.

Samantha Hamilton - Psychic to the StarsMarhie, however, is clearly not as talented as Samantha Hamilton ("as seen on TV", probably doing Whitney Houston on Stars in Their Eyes), who not only offers future predictions, but past and present ones too. So she can accurately tell you what you had for dinner last night. Something only she and Gillian McKeith are capable of.

But far and away my favourite section of the magazine is the two-page article on Kyle, a 17 year old medium (although judging by the pictures, he's more of an extra large) who apparently "offers readings, parties, workshops and stageshows and currently works only in the West of Scotland". So he obviously hasn't passed his driving test yet.

According to the caption below the main photo, 'Kyle can hear Spirit'.

Kyle can hear Spirits. After he's drunk a few.And here is Kyle hearing that Spirit. Or possibly suffering from earache. One or the other.

What I won't do is mention Kyle. Sorry, I mean Donna.what Lisa said to me. Which is that Kyle looks like a male version of Donna. I don't know where she gets these ideas...