I've decided I need to get out of the house more. It's a decision I came to at about 8:25pm last night when the couple in the flat above started banging on the ceiling and shouting "Shuuuuut uuup!!!" two minutes into my rendition of 'Hang' by Matchbox 20 on the acoustic guitar. I wouldn't mind, but even Simon Cowell would have let me get to the chorus. So rather than contacting ITV's 'Neighbours From Hell' and reporting them for victimisation, I've chosen instead to defuse the situation by vacating my flat for the evening. And possibly putting a firework through their letterbox.

I'm currently trying to persuade Lisa to join me on a Landscape by Lamplight adventure at 7pm tonight, which involves wandering around the city centre for two hours trying to keep up with the bloke on the right. He may look harmless enough, but he's got a degree in Geography, so it's entirely possible he becomes a crazed killer after dark. Which is why I'm taking Lisa with me.

On the bright side, the whole experience is free. Well, it says "Donation Appreciated". Which means it's free. Although it's organised by the council, so they might expect us to pick up litter and hand out parking tickets as we go around. But if we get bored we can always slip down a sidestreet and go home. Assuming we're not the only ones who turn up. Geoffrey might notice if his only two followers go missing.

The last time Lisa and I went for a walk together, she tried to drag me into a gay sex shop so that she could buy Julian Clary's autobiography. Which is why 7pm on a Sunday is the perfect time to go out. The only things open are lap dancing clubs. As things stand at the moment, Lisa's fully prepared to join me on this two-mile walk, but it's only an hour since she asked me to go to the Co-op for a Sunday paper on the grounds that the 100-yard journey was a bit much for her. So unless I can borrow a Motability scooter, I could be alone tonight.