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Monday, April 02, 2007

Tanya StevensonIt being April Fool's Day yesterday, we agreed to take Lisa's mother to the dogs again. I knew she'd never realise we were joking. There were no Afghan Hounds this time (I'm still holding out for dachshund racing) (over hurdles), but we did rub shoulders with some top-notch celebrities, as Race 10 featured a dog called Pennys Jackal, which is owned by none other than Tanya Stevenson, star of Channel 4 Racing, who's forced to spend her Saturdays standing next to John McCririck. That woman earns her money.

According to the bloke on the tannoy, Tanya was there in person to cheer on her hound, but somehow we failed to spot her from the cheap seats we were in. As a fan of The Morning Line, however, I showed my support by placing large sums of money on her dog, which had previously run twelve races, won none, and finished second six times. As the form guide said, "Six silver medals but yet to strike gold, is this the day of the jackal?"

Nope, he came second again. Tanya should stick to horses.

Once home, I had an enjoyable evening choking on a foreign object, collapsing with a heart attack, and lacerating my hands, all to enable Lisa to use me as a subject for First Aid practice. She's being forced to attend an 8-hour course today in an attempt to turn her into some kind of Mother Theresa in the workplace. There's a certificate at stake (which I will be framing), so she felt it might be a good idea to get in some practice.

I'm pleased to report that her Heimlich Manoeuvre is flawless and her bandaging skills would put the Egyptians to shame, but don't let her put you in the recovery position or she's liable to dislocate your shoulder. I'm still in pain this morning.