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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Brain development is all very well, but sometimes it's just easier to stay in and watch Coronation Street. Lisa had a hard day at work yesterday, which, combined with the effects of mid-term pregnancy, resulted in her losing the use of both legs, and being forced to lie on the sofa all evening. Much as she would have liked to pay £3 to go and see a play about Dido Elizabeth Belle, the mixed-race Great-Niece of the first Earl of Mansfield, sadly it just wasn't possible. And it had nothing to do with her looking like a dalmatian with sunstroke.

I considered going on my own, but in the end I felt my time would be better spent tending to Lisa's needs, mopping her fevered brow, and trying to make a Burkha out of an old bedsheet.

But the good news is that in the absence of an in-depth theatre review, we have the opportunity to catch up with the ongoing adventures of Big Sis. As I'm sure you'll remember (I'm mainly addressing my mother there), we left Sis a week ago, celebrating her birthday with forty Australians, while Elton John had dinner with James Blunt's pianist. Well a lot's happened since then. I received this text message on Thursday:

"The people in my block have all written to my estate agent to get me evicted coz of my party. But my 80-year-old neighbour has been defending me, saying it was very civilised and she didn't see any alcohol at all! It's like Big Brother, but they'll all be sorry when I am an astronaut."

Did I mention she's applying to go to the moon? Clearly Australia isn't far enough for her.

Anyhoo, I don't know about you, but when I need a reliable witness to testify on my behalf in a court of law, I choose a blind octogenarian every time. I knew it was a good idea to invite her to the party.

But despite being backed by an Australian pensioner who's probably old enough to have been shipped there for some heinous crime, Big Sis isn't one to rest on her laurels. So at the end of the week, she paid a personal visit to the bloke in charge of her block (or the man who puts the resident in president) in an attempt to smooth things over. Unfortunately Sis's reputation preceded her and his wife wouldn't open the door. But still, who said intimidating witnesses would be easy.

The good news is that Sis eventually forced her way in and told the woman that it wasn't her forty friends who were making the noise, it was some people vandalising the property next door. Possibly Aborigines. Or kangaroos. She then added that she's going to be an astronaut.

We don't know the outcome of the case yet, but I'd imagine they've already got her down as some kind of fantasist. Personally, having seen her audition tape for Big Brother 2, I'd evict her immediately.