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Sunday, May 04, 2008

I walked past this sign in Kemp Town yesterday afternoon...

I love a gitf sohp.
I find it slightly worrying that Brighton's schools are turning out people who can't spell 'gift'. And even more worrying that it doesn't appear to stop them getting jobs. It makes you wonder how they spell CV.

Anyhoo, the purpose of the sign (other than to demonstrate the damaging effect of spellcheckers on the next generation) is to attract Americans. Who probably wouldn't notice the spelling mistake anyway. The 2008 Brighton Festival started yesterday, and the city's crawling with people saying 'neat' and 'awesome', who have no idea where they're going. I bumped into two of them yesterday who said they'd only arrived that morning, were already lost, but were hoping to put on a show at the end of the week. It's like something out of a Cliff Richard film.

The opening act of the festival each year is of course the Children's Parade, which is traditionally the day when Lisa and I stand on a kerb in the centre of town, failing to spot her nephews for an hour and a half. This year, however, was very different. None of them went. Nephew Number One wanted to go to a friend's for the weekend, Nephew Number Three won't be old enough until next year, while Nephew Number Two refused to take part on the grounds that he didn't want to dress as a Scrabble letter. Roll on 2012. Our child won't get a choice.

So instead of watching dawdling kids dressed as board games, Lisa and I headed over to Hove for a spot of retail therapy. I've done a total of four hours overtime this week, so I said I'd treat Lisa to a maternity thong. She's not one to look a gitf horse in the mouth, and I was willing to miss the racing on TV, so we spent an enjoyable hour at Yummy Mummy, "the largest maternity shop on the South Coast". Which makes you wonder how small the others are.

Yummy LisaIt turned out to be very good, not least because they give you a strap-on bump so you can see how the clothes will look in a few months time. This is Lisa by the end of the summer. I've been forced to crop her head out of the photo because she didn't like the expression on her face. Interestingly, the fact that she looks like she's swallowed a space hopper didn't bother her.

Anyhoo, I can't reveal how much we ended up spending, but I've already had a phone call from Barclays thinking my card's been stolen. I knew it wasn't going to be cheap when I noticed our complimentary £10-off voucher had no minimum spend. Something told me we weren't going to find a lot for £9.99. I'm not saying it was an upmarket place, but while Lisa was in the changing room, a woman came in to buy an outfit for her upcoming performance at Glyndebourne.

It made a nice change, because three hours earlier I'd been in a charity shop in St James's Street with a bloke who told me he was off to a Pimps & Whores party. I wouldn't mind, but he was planning to go as a whore.