As it transpires, it doesn't take that long to pop down to Asda for some chocolate and a pizza. No wonder they call it fast food. Lisa was back here last night before I'd even got the top off the glitter. I might have to change my plans and buy her a Next voucher out of Amelie's trust fund.

But despite failing to finish my Mother's Day gift, I decided I had time to get out and about today, so I headed to Uckfield for a bit of hospital bed rest. Whenever I'm there, I like to walk into town at lunchtime, and my route takes me past this shop...


I don't know if it's just me, but every time I have a butcher's at that sign, I find myself reading it as a film title. It's like 'Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man'. Although in Uckfield, it really ought to be Piltdown Man. Either way, I can't walk past the place without thinking it's a cinema. I spent the whole journey back to work this afternoon pondering a musical where Sally Field meets Elaine Paige over a bacon sandwich. I might write it at the weekend.

But anyway, if you're going to be a purveyor of finest quality meats, with the ability to heal fish, there's no better place to open a shop than Uckfield. The last four letters of the place spell 'Deli'. It's just a shame you can't use the first four.