If there's one thing which bothers me about the mephedrone craze which is currently sweeping the nation (apart from the fact that nobody's ever offered me any), it's the fact that Amelie's constantly saying miaow. Up until now, I've always assumed she was imitating Chloe, but now I'm wondering if she has a serious drug problem. Fortunately for us, she'll have a hard time trying to score in this flat. The most potent plant food I've ever bought is a bottle of Baby Bio. But I'm still wondering if I should cut back on the Calpol. On top of that, she's just started saying "yo-yo", so I'm worried she's developing an eating disorder.

But on the subject of family members going off the rails, word has reached me from the mean streets of Wiltshire that Big Sis has been hauled in by the fuzz again. It's less than three weeks since I sat in my parents' living room hearing the sermon of speed awareness from a newly converted Sister. I've never met anyone so passionate about braking. So in true Big Sis comedy style, I'm pleased to report that she's just been caught speeding again. One thing she learnt on her road-hog away-day in February, is that there are only ten speed cameras in Wiltshire. So she had to drive to Cambridgeshire for this one.

Naturally she's mortified, partly because she was only doing 45 in a 40mph limit, partly because she can't do another speed awareness course for the next three years, but mainly because she insists that for the past month she's been driving around like a snail, looking for street lights wherever she goes, so that she knows precisely what the speed limit is. As I said to her on the phone last night, if she spent less time looking at street lights, and more time with her eye on the speedometer, it might not have happened. I don't think that was much comfort.