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Monday, March 19, 2012

I had the misfortune of listening to Richard Madeley on Radio 2 while I was driving to Lewes this morning. He was asking people to e-mail the show on the topic of 'The Time I Met a Living Legend', so naturally I was expecting stories about Frank Sinatra, Marlon Brando and Elvis. Suffice it to say, I was disappointed. The first one he read out was from a woman who'd met Kriss Akabusi. On that basis, I should have texted him about Robin Cousins.

But on the subject of living legends, we had Lisa's Mum over for lunch yesterday. I thought she'd be cheaper than a chicken. I'd forgotten to post a Mother's Day card to my own Mum, so it seemed like the perfect way to claw back a bit of karma by treating the mother-in-law to a Sunday roast. Not that I did the cooking. I'd already worked the morning shift at Amelie's Breakfast Bar, so I knocked off at ten-thirty, and let Lisa peel the potatoes.

I did, however, make the gravy. Which was probably the worst part of the meal. Lisa had insisted that we try Colman's Instant Gravy Paste, which is basically gravy mix in a toothpaste tube. The instructions called for two heaped teaspoons, but I think my interpretation of 'heaped' differs slightly from the one used in Norwich. I basically squirted it out like a Mr Whippy ice cream. It meant that by the time I'd mixed my two spoonfuls with 250ml of water, it had the consistency of cement, and you could stand the spoon up without touching it. I ended up adding so much extra water, I could have served it in a bucket. And it didn't even taste very nice. By the time I'd finished, it had all the flavour of wallpaper paste, and the texture to match.

To be honest though, it's about time I started being rubbish at cooking. With a son on the way, I need to work on my image as a male role-model. Obviously I'm very much a man's man – I like my football, beer-drinking, pub fights and lap-dancing clubs... oh no, hang on, that's Danny Dyer, not me. To be honest, I'd rather watch 'Come Dine With Me' over a cup of redbush tea. I've got four months to man-up before Gaylord arrives.


A Passer-by said...

You shouldn't joke about the Gaylord name - it might creep up on you and catch you unawares!!!

Phil said...

Surely it's only bananas in pyjamas who do that?

Jon the Bassist said...

Thank God I missed Mr 'Sincere' Madeley on Radio 2 this morning as it oftens forces me to drive down to central London and start a fight at the BBC.
I do hope though, that you can turn your back on quiches, and learn how to BBQ some roadkill like a real man before your son and heir arrives.