If there's one channel you can rely on for universal truths, positive affirmations, reassuring platitudes and blatant lies, it's CBeebies. I remember with great fondness hearing Amelie joining in with the familiar chorus of "It's the end of a lovely day" at 7pm last July, as I was mopping up blood from the sideboard.

But yesterday's statement of fact was far less refutable. As Lisa was attacking Amelie with the nit comb last night (she doesn't have nits – we just like to annoy her), CBeebies announced that "Everyone is scared of something".

It prompted Amelie, who's no stranger to group therapy, to respond with "I'm scared of spiders". So in a moment of father-daughter solidarity, I added "I'm scared of balloons".

It's ironic because she came back from my parents' with a balloon model of a spider. I didn't realise that at the time though. I'm just genuinely scared of balloons.

At that point, the conversation was let down by Lisa, who's no stranger to deceiving small children, and decided to join in the therapy by declaring "I'm not scared of anything". Which is a bit rich for someone holding a nit comb. She found a grain of sand in Amelie's hair last week and almost had a panic attack.

I thought the session was over at that point, but to my surprise, Amelie continued with the following statement:

"I'm scared of eyes".

I think it's because she's worried we'll see what she's up to. And with good reason. I was in Lewes yesterday, and I found a gorgeous powder blue carrycot in a charity shop for the ridiculous price of £4. So I bought it, got the thing home, and left it in the hallway. Five minutes later, I found this:


I wouldn't mind, but the moment I got her out, Shimmy was in there.