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Saturday, August 11, 2012

Stuart Hazell might be grabbing all the headlines this morning, but the biggest news in yesterday's paper was this...

It was certainly like a terrorist attack for Lisa. She went in there like a suicide bomber on a mission. By the time she left, there was blood on the floor and two midwives with flesh wounds. The timing of the report is particularly spooky, as Lisa told me yesterday morning that she'd had a nightmare in which she relived the full horror of labour. I thought she meant she was dreaming about Gordon Brown, but in reality she was having a flashback to the moment she punched her sister.

Of course, if you're suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, the best thing is to try your hand at self-hypnosis...

It's working for Toby. He might have come into this world covered in poo, to the sound of his mother swearing like a trooper, but he's accepted his lot and moved on.

He's also now an official human being. We registered his birth at Brighton Town Hall yesterday afternoon, as well as re-registering Amelie as a product of our marriage, so we're now a bona fide family of four. We celebrated by drowning our sorrows in ice cream at the Gelateria de Luca, a new(ish) ice cream parlour in St James's Street. It was nice, but most of the flavours are in Italian, so you do feel like you need a phrasebook just to place an order. Especially if you're like Lisa, and can't tell the difference between chocolate buttons and coffee beans. It was like being at the canteen in 'Mind Your Language'.

Unsurprisingly, having practised our conversational skills in Italian, and then stuffed ourselves with ice cream, we forgot to go and register Toby at the GP surgery as planned, but the good news is that he was given a clean bill of health just hours earlier, when the health visitor came round. Having lost ten ounces in his first five days, he's piled on the pounds ever since, and is now slightly above his birth weight at 7lb 6oz.

More worrying is that we appear to have been flagged up as potential child abusers. Well, I say 'we'; it's more me, really. Although Lisa's performance at the birth must be on some kind of red alert list. Not long before leaving, the health visitor revealed that she had a note about Amelie's sprained shoulder on our family welfare records. Apparently we've been grassed up by the hospital. She was unaware that it had happened more than two years ago, and seemed more interested in whether or not I'm likely to do the same thing to Toby. So I told her I'm waiting to see how annoying he is.

Well ok, I didn't. But I wanted to. Let's face it, everyone's got a shady past. My previous has got nothing to do with it.


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