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Thursday, August 30, 2012

With any expanding family, there's a risk that the older child will experience feelings of jealousy when you try to take photos of the baby. But I think Amelie can handle it...

Possibly by hitting me in the face with a book. Frankly I'd have been safer taking photos of Liam Gallagher.

On the subject of dangerous explosions, I was driving past Brighton Racecourse this morning on my way to East Grinstead, when a massive truck pulled out in front of me, and started chugging down the road at about 10mph. It was part of a convoy from the Extreme Stunt Show, a touring band of daredevils that had been performing there the night before, which was slightly ironic, as the moment I found myself stuck behind it, I began considering taking my life in my hands by performing a dangerous manouevre at high speed.

In the end I didn't overtake, which was just as well, because as I followed the juggernaut towards Woodingdean, one of the right rear wheels began to smoke, and the tyre suddenly exploded in front of me, causing the lorry to veer across the road and onto the pavement. You've got to hand it to them. Even when they're not working, they're doing extreme stunts.

I'm particularly pleased I wasn't killed, because yesterday was mine and Lisa's 99-month anniversary. I want to live for a few more weeks so that we can celebrate our centenary by renewing our vows. Not our wedding vows, obviously. I'm talking about the vows we made to stop remembering these monthly anniversaries. I break mine about twelve times a year.

Eight years and three months after I ground Lisa into submission and forced her to become my girlfriend, we celebrated yesterday's milestone by collapsing onto the sofa, having a little cry, and then going to bed quickly before we slipped into a coma of exhaustion. I'm beginning to understand why women have the menopause in their forties. It's to save them from a life like this.

But while I crawl under a consulting room desk in East Grinstead and contemplate my sanity, I'll leave you with a joke I wrote yesterday in a vain attempt to stimulate my mind and stay awake during a clinic...

I say, I say, I say, what's the difference between Brighton and St Osyth?

St Osyth had their pride parade last weekend.

I thank you. I'm here all week. Although I might be asleep.


Lisa said...

Does this mean we're ruling out number 3?

Phil's Mum said...

Actually that's very good!  Though.........wasn't it only ONE animal?

Phil said...

Stop nit-picking.

Phil said...

Child or wedding anniversary?

A Passer-By said...

I thought Lisa didn't like you referring to nits!