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Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Toby was a week old yesterday...

... so it's about time I mentioned what his middle name is. I almost announced it on the day he was born, but Lisa had a slight wobble during labour, and momentarily considered one of the dodgy American names she's picked up from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. So I held back until her hormones had calmed down, and she was willing to go with something more sensible.

In the end, we've stuck with our original choice, which is... Lloyd. We chose it mainly to act as a reminder for future concerts, but also because Toby L. Gardner sounds a bit like Samuel L. Jackson, and will therefore convey upon him a cast-iron coolness which will ensure he's the most popular boy in school.

We've got an appointment at the Town Hall on Friday to register the birth, and we'll also be re-registering Amelie. She's grown on us over the past four years, so we've decided to keep her. When we got married two years ago, they told us that having previously brought shame on the Gardner family name by living in sin and having a child out of wedlock, we had the opportunity to make amends for our scandalous lifestyle choices by re-registering Amelie as the product of a bona fide marriage, and making her birth more legitimate.

Suffice it to say, we never bothered. It was presented to us as something we could do if we wanted to, but not the most vital thing in the world. Having just looked it up on the council website, however, it states that "if you have married the other parent of your child since the birth (even if the natural father's details were originally entered in the birth register), you are legally required to re-register the birth". So she's been illegal for the past two years. When Lisa made the appointment yesterday, they told us to arrive ten minutes early. I expect that's to meet the police.

On the subject of illegal acts, I spent yesterday afternoon in the shower with a group of young boys. I didn't want to, but Amelie had another swimming lesson, and Lisa refused to take her on the grounds that she has a baby attached to her chest, and is still bleeding in unmentionable places. So I was handed the short straw. And the pink goggles.

They don't allow men into the ladies changing rooms (which is discriminatory in the extreme), so I had to get Amelie ready in the men's. We were the only ones there on arrival, but when she finally emerged from the pool two hours later, she was quickly joined in the shower by a group of eight-year-old boys. I'm telling you now, it's not easy supervising your daughter in a hot shower room whilst surrounded by pre-pubescent boys with no clothes on. I didn't know which was more likely to get me arrested: turning away from the wall, or allowing my girl to get scalded. In the end, I pretended I had a congenital neck problem which prevented me from looking at anything but the floor, and then buried my face in a towel. I might have looked like a disabled person in tears, but at least I avoided a court case.


Phil's Mum said...

1.Next time Amelie has a swimming lesson I would insist you hold the crying baby, while Lisa looks after Am.
2.I thought Toby's middle name was chosen because of your pharmaceutical background.  It sounds better than Boot.
3.I am amazed there is a law to require you to re-register your child because you are now married.  Isn't that prejudice against married people?

A Passer-by said...

Lloyd???  Will he turn out to be like Harold Loyd? - see:
As for re-registering, after Lisa's entry on facebook I thought Amelie would be disowned!!  Poor Lisa!

A Passer-by said...

Or will he have his own bank? - Lloyd's TSB!!

Beckie said...

Toby is just gorgeous. Just looking at the photos is making me seriously broody.

And that's a great middle name too. My husband vetoed it as a middle name for our son, just because I wouldn't let him call him Elvis.

Peter Chapman said...

Oh come on people, sod the baby! Phil wrote "On the subject of illegal acts, I spent yesterday afternoon in the shower with a group of young boys."

My keyboard has just received a spray of blackcurrent and apple!

Phil said...

Not only does Lisa like Lloyd Cole, but she's a big fan of Elvis Costello, so there but for the grace of God...

Phil said...

Clearly people who know me weren't that surprised.